JEJUNE ADVICE TO ALL

My Hearing Aid is in The Printer!

2012-02-11T22:24:00.000-06:00

"My hearing aid is in the printer" is not exactly what a person expects to wake up hearing first thing in the morning. It's cold, you are wet from the shower, have no clothing on yet, can't be late to work, and the old person in the house has already been up since 5:30 in the morning waiting. Now you have to figure out how to remove a hearing aid from the printer.

Life is full of curve balls and as we age, new and unexpected curve balls arise.  Aging is the reverse of puberty, and comedians have been making fun of both for centuries.  Are you experiencing stiffness in your joints, muscle weakness, saggy skin, blurry eyesight, raspy vocals, gray hair? If so, you are falling apart or you are aging and it's not really funny. So, it's necessary to have empathy for the older folks in our lives. They used to be as vibrant and cellulite free as we are today.  Who knows what is actually rattling around in their brains, but I'm sure they are not expecting to drop something in the sink, the toilet or the printer. If you have a big heart and are caring for an elderly family member and hear things like, "I fell in the toilet, can you help me out please", you deserve a gold medal. Especially if you wipe.

Aside from the potential for injury from a toilet fall, you have to consider things that could really cause life-threatening injuries to the elderly you care for and those around them. For instance, steps anywhere, dancing poles that were installed in your house in the 80's or 90's, glass and metal coffee tables, small pets, and of course cars. When your elderly guest walks out to their car numerous times in a ten minute period to look for his pillow and blanket, further consideration to hiding the keys should be taken. Black eyes, broken glass, squished puppies and wrecked cars are not good for the soul. If the elderly cannot remember how to defrost the windows in their gigantic Ford LTD, it is likely they are not going to remember which lever is the gear shift and which one is the blinker! A Smart car may not fare well against a Ford LTD doing 45 miles per hour through an intersection.

If you wake up with beautiful peace and quiet in the mornings, and never hear the sound of a garage door crashing in because your grandfather missed the brake peddle, then you are lucky. And since all you have to worry about is your own aging; fear not, there are life-changing, confidence altering products and procedures at every turn. For instance, there are: non-surgical face lifts, teeth implants, hair plugs, liposuction, scores of supplements, creams and concoctions, Viagra, permanent makeup, singles clubs for those over 55, and Florida, where everyone has the same hairdo and a Ford LTD. So do not despair.

If you are in despair, read this paragraph. There was a recent story on NPR about a female author who decided it was time to die and killed herself. Unfortunately, I have been unable to locate the story or the name of the author, but I vividly recall the interview with her daughter. The daughter relayed her mother's decision years before her death (like an army of authors before her) that at some point in her life, her life would have no point and she would kill herself. She did not want to burden her family, and at the age of 70, was going to off herself. Well, her family worried for years while waiting with anticipation, and fortunately, at the age of 70, she changed her mind. Seven years later, after writing a book about aging, she finally followed through on her promise while her family was not expecting it, and killed herself. As much as it may be a weenie move and inconsiderate, it can also be perceived as a bold move and considerate. Nobody has to take her car away, rearrange their home and furniture, hide the Chihuahua to avoid its early accidental demise, or dig a hearing aid out of a printer.

Do you consider that a bold move or is it so Virginia Woolf? Is there really a right way to do die and a wrong way to die? Either way, someone is going to be upset, but you know the saying, "You cannot make everybody happy all of the time." Tacky I know, but it is just one of many catch 22's we find ourselves in through life. It's just an option.

Instead of suicide, aging gracefully, peacefully, and accepting the weaknesses we will experience seems easier in the end. Getting our brains to cooperate will make aging even more peaceful and pleasant.  Keeping my hopes up as I plan to visit my grandmother for her 101st birthday without my Chihuahua . . . Carpe Diem!

Thank You Notes From Hell!

2012-01-05T22:55:00.000-06:00

Yes indeed, it's another installment of "Thank You Notes from Hell." Now mind you, I am not making these up, I am merely sharing them. They probably have a different effect on everyone, but for some reason, they make me giddy. So here we go:

1. Thank you to the person who brought the crappy gift to the White Elephant party, not realizing that maybe it was the only gift some of us were going to get this year. I can't wait to use my $5.99 Eggonator this weekend!

2. Thank you to the office drunk for livening up with Christmas party. Without you we would not have a broken copier, a mysterious pair of shoes and tie in the kitchen, smudge marks on the conference room table, and a myriad of rumors to spread for years to come.

Switching gears from the holidays and on to the new year:

3. The pharmaceutical companies want to thank God for all the beautiful blue skies, trees, grasses, wind, clouds, rain and snow. For without nature, there would be no pollen, mold, and any kind of floating spore that ultimately creates allergies. Without allergies, people would not be miserable and run down or able to easily catch a cold, a virus, the flu or strep throat or any combination of two or three of these illnesses. Without allergies, colds, viruses, flu or strep throat, the evil people at CVS who hate their jobs would not sell truck loads of Allegra, Advil, Sudafed, and Mucinex. So thank you so much!

3. The pharmaceutical companies also want to thank God for all the great sales they are having this winter season. Joining them in the Thank You's are all the marketing firms hired by the pharmaceutical companies.

And, we cannot leave without saying thank you to the hard working Republican candidates:

4. Thank you to Rick Perry for making us all feel better about ourselves.

5. Ron Paul sent a special thank you to all of the citizens of Iowa and to the Men's Warehouse for shipping a proper fitting suit to him in New Hampshire.

Last but not least, three special Thank You's from down below:

6. The devil wants to say thank you to Newt Gingrich for converting to Catholicism in 2009 after his adulterous affair with his now current wife while he was investigating Clinton's affair. The devil is thrilled to have a constituent in the Catholic church, and has been campaigning for Newt's nomination underground for years now. He started with yard signs, but they are too charred for anyone to read, so he has begun a grass-roots campaign going door-to-door and truly enjoys it.

7. The devil also wants to say thank you to Michele Bachmann for finally getting off the campaign trail for the Republican nomination. He had high hopes for her, but saw the flame fading.

8. And not to be one-sided, all of the military commanders want to thank President Obama for an unwanted early retirement due to the end of all wars. Now they can joint the ranks of the unemployed. Look at their faces.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jan/05/barack-obama-plans-leaner-military?intcmp=239

Well, so long for now. Feel free to yell at me or share your thank you notes from hell.

Carpe Diem.

New Year's Resolutions - Yeah or Nay

2011-12-27T22:54:00.002-06:00

The holidays are crazy. After spending beyond the budget, eating enough to kill an elephant, and drinking a corner of our liver off, there is renewed pressure on whether we succeeded in meeting our new year's resolutions for 2011.  Dare we look at the list made after spiked egg nog, red wine and a couple of shots of scotch approximately 12 months ago? Yet another list made with high hopes and renewed enthusiasm. Is it possible to sustain enthusiasm for all those items on the list for an entire year? Alas, a couple of goals were actually met on the list:  Goal No. 1: "read at least one book this year (and Twitter doesn't count);" and Goal No. 10: "sleep more."  Congratulations! However, the disappointment comes when none of the unrealistic resolutions in the middle were met or even attempted, like Goal No. 6: "Save a million dollars;" and Goal No. 8: "Buy a Lamborghini."

For centuries humans have carefully put together their life's plans resolving at the stroke of midnight that their new life begins on January 1 by adhering to a list. I have gone so far as to frame my list. One time I hung it on the fridge so I was forced to look at it daily. Another time I actually miniaturized my list. I put it in my wallet so that it would fall out when I paid cash for something like a Starbucks coffee, which I'm sure was a no-no on my list. Crap.

Not only do we set ourselves up for failure, but we fail at some of the items on our list over and over as we try to regroup all year long.  Yes, there are numerous adages that state failures lead to successes; learn from your mistakes; try, try again; and if you fall off, get back on. All true, but do you really need a list staring at you to remind you that you failed?

On the flip side, I have written thoughts down on paper and thrown them into a fire in an effort to let go. That felt the best. I was no longer disappointing myself, I was freeing myself of something that I no longer had a need for in my life. Maybe it was something dragging me down. It was a form of liberation without burning my bra. Especially since bras are really expensive.

As I picked up my notebook to begin creating my list of 2012 resolutions, I thought about the fires in the past and played with the thought of simply not doing it. After thinking about all the disappointment I have experienced with myself, I wondered which would be worse, no list or not meeting the goals on the list.  As usual, I couldn't decide what to do. So, when in a quandary, change gears and walk away from the problem. The hope is that the answer will pop into my head when I expect it least. So I started brushing my dog and turned to my favorite blog, Zen Habits, for some reading. Amazingly, the latest post was all about NOT setting new year's resolutions. It was fate.

We already know the answers to our own questions but many times refuse to acknowledge them. For example, should I eat this piece of Death by Chocolate dessert even though I only have 5 pounds left to lose? Should I go out drinking even though I have been diagnosed with diabetes? Should I go to the gym, or watch Steel Magnolias for the 39th time while eating my tears with spoonfuls of Cherry Garcia ice cream?   The same applies to resolutions. You already know what you want to accomplish. You might even have a business plan or something to that affect. Why torture yourself with yet another list? Don't you have some twatting on Twitter to do?

Instead of having a year-long "to-do" list that diversions cause you to stray from, experience a year of freedom. No more stressing about working hard enough to meet a goal or telling anyone what goal you are working towards. Release the unnecessary stress and enjoy the world around you while you experience new things at your whim.   Not only are you free, but everyone around you is free as well. Free from your stress. I should know, I have been stressing out my family for years. Hopefully I can stick to a "no-resolution resolution." There will be a lot of happy people if I can.

Here's to freedom and a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Stay tuned for the next installation of "Thank You Notes from Hell" and the Super Bowl.
Carpe Diem!

People Watching Without Going to Walmart

2011-09-11T11:53:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day to take a drive and escape the congestion of the city. It was as if we lived in a time with no television, no air conditioning and a brand new convertible. The mercury was expected to stay under 100 degrees and the long flat roads of Texas called out. What better reason to drive than no reason at all.  Southeast was the direction and within an hour of driving the terrain had changed markedly. There were beautiful trees, rolling hills and nary a car on the road. That's when the fun began.

To say it was like living in another time and place was the theme of the day. First stop, local gas station on the main strip.  As the gas pump worked to fill our tank, we went into the store for a break and some refreshments.  While waiting for my cohort to choose a drink, I noticed the cute young blond in front of me and thinking to myself, "She is very well put together for a girl in a small podunk town like this," until I noticed she was purchasing a 90 ounce Slurpee and two large bags of pork rinds.  I tried to snap a picture, but I was seconds behind as she climbed two feet up into her pickup truck where her redneck boyfriend awaited his snicky snacks.

Next stop, the town square. Saturdays are good days to explore new places, find hidden gems, shop, eat, and enjoy the hustle and bustle of a small town. We headed for the local farmer's market which sets up on the sidewalk in front of the courthouse on the town square. When we arrived, we found nothing. No hustle, no bustle, not even a freakin' watermelon. After illegally crossing the street to avoid a toothless woman in a cowboy hat, we found a swanky espresso cafe / diner / wi-fi hot spot / antique shop on the corner. Our first mistake was actually asking the young women running the place (one with her infant baby) where the farmer's market was. The second mistake was waiting for the answer. The response from both women was "uh, oh, um . . . ooooh." After a few of those, we headed in the direction we thought was part of the answer only to find the local Walmart. Not even close ladies! Now we know where they shop because apparently the farmer's market closes at noon. The square was not entirely a bust. We found the local Chamber of Commerce open.  The town square was as quiet as the day was long. Oh, and at the espresso . . . . shop, you can get statuary for your garden or the run of the mill coral for your bathroom decor all in one place.

After a jaunt at the lake watching small-town teenagers in cutoff jean shorts and high top tennis shoes, we were relaxed and de-stressed, mainly because we no longer had to worry about whether the 80's were dead. Apparently the 80's are alive and well in small towns. But the fun of watching teenagers try to ditch their alcohol in front of a police officer had to end and we needed to head back to the big city. Not all was lost because there were still road-side attractions yet to be touched and decided to stop at one of them on our return trip. The sign read "Good Cookin" in black spray paint. Sue's Roost was the name of the place. Too risky, we chickened out of the roost and headed to an old cotton gin off the highway instead. It is a restaurant that is physically inside an old cotton gin. We were greeted with a warm southern smile and could smell the home cooking. Taking in the ambiance, we stopped to gawk at the murals on the walls. The owners might as well hang rebel flags in the windows as curtains. Probably never noticed by the sweet waitresses, but peering down on them was a painting of a white man in a suit sitting on bales of cotton. He appeared to be watching his migrant and slave workers pick cotton, which in turn was taken to ships and sailed down the Mississippi past the white man's big mansion. History was no longer a subject in school, it was real and current. What nailed it home was observing a group of cowboys coming out of a back room to leave the gin and staring at a black man in the dining room as they walked past him. I'm not sure, but I think they had white pointy hats tucked in their back pockets next to their Skoal cans. (Photo by E. Newton).

Life can be sheltered living in the big city and vice versa. Young folk in small towns enjoy a night in the city, a chance to live in the fast lane for a few hours, and city folk enjoy the slow pace and quiet bliss of a small town to lower their blood pressure. They are worlds apart however. One day, we will move back in time again and despite the flaws in social skills, we will return to the espresso . . . . shop, if it still exists, and the cotton gin, if there are no burning crosses out front. For now, go out and explore, but remember, to each his own.

In case your imagination doesn't work and from the people who created "People of Walmart", try "Your Kid's Art Sucks." http://www.yourkidsartsucks.com/.

Carpe Diem!

Crazy People and More Thank You Notes from Hell!

2011-07-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

Times are tough for a lot of people right now, and have been for a couple of years for some.  Since there may be little relief in the immediate future, we have to concentrate on the good things. We have to stay positive and thankful for what we do have now (not wallow in our pity about what we had or could have had). In essence, we must keep our wits about us.

For example, if you DO have a job, try not to run people off the road on your way to work. Just because you are in a car does not mean you own the road.  And, although you are probably smarter than the asshole in front of you, you might want to show restraint. For example, if someone flicks a cigarette butt out of a car window and it gets stuck under the hood of your car, be thankful for insurance. You're the lucky one who will get a new car after it burns up. Or, if some asshole cuts you off, try not to run them down. You will be thankful that they didn't call 911 and have you arrested for road rage.

If you are unemployed, take some time to watch Cops. You can learn a lot.  For instance, if you are going to get into a dispute with your spouse over money, be sure to wear a shirt, but NOT a "wife-beater" t-shirt. No shirt or a "wife-beater" is an immediate sign that you will be arrested, and that can be costly.

Last, when you are in a jovial mood, please share it with everyone. Spread good energy around and help everyone be thankful. My new slogan: "No STD's, just good energy please!"

And because I am in a thankful mood, here is another installment of THANK YOU NOTES FROM HELL:

1.   Thank you Casey Anthony for providing 6 plus weeks of entertainment on Headline News, CNN, Fox News, and every single online news source in the world. You are a total nut case, but you helped me avoid gaining 10 pounds by not going to baseball games. Instead, I came home from work every evening to endure an hour of that over-exposed Nancy Grace so I could catch up on your trial. Now, I am the same weight as when baseball season started and I have no desire to eat a hot dog.

2.   Thank you to the Casey Anthony jury for coming to such a speedy decision. Not only did you put an end to a trial that went on far too long, but you swiftly kicked Nancy Grace off the top of the hill. For that, I love you, and I hope I never see Nancy Grace again.

3.   Thank you John Boehner. I refuse to believe the pronunciation of your name used on television is correct because without my pronunciation of your surname, I could not smile and laugh every time I read an article about party leaders in our country.

4.   Thank you Katy Perry for turning aliens into something sexual. I am finally interested.

5.   Thank you again to the Casey Anthony jury for a quick deliberation. I finally have my boyfriend back. Now I can quit listening to Katy Perry.

6.   Thank you God for this agonizing heat wave. For once in my life, I might enjoy the winter. (Ha, probably not.)

Send me your THANK YOU'S FROM HELL and I will post them!

Stingrays and Poison Ivy-a revisit

2011-06-12T14:02:00.002-05:00

Three years ago, I got the bright idea to start a blog. I wanted to learn more about this thing called "blogging" and thought it would be a great way to keep up with all the crazy kids in cyberspace. Aside from not knowing how to function as a "blogger", I also felt that my writing skills were below par and a blog would force me to write more better (hee).  At the same time, I could no longer ignore "wiener" flashing politicians, my own unfortunate yet comical incidents, and the unbelievable amount of ignorance and lunacy in the world without making fun of it in script. Which has brought me to my anniversary blog entry for 2011.  Circumstances of a painful summer three years ago, similar to this summer's painful experience, give me something to celebrate (or commemorate) in this anniversary addition regarding Stingrays and poison ivy-a revisit..

As some people have heard, because word travels fast around my mother, I was stung by a stingray in the Gulf of Mexico over the Memorial Day weekend. Let's take a moment here to thank all of our soldiers, past and present, who have served for our country. Now back to our regular blog - it was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. No mistaken, it was a stingray, and if not, it was an invisible shark with a pair of scissors that stabbed me in the top of my foot!! There were NO jelly fish, and the last time I read about manatees, I learned they are non-aggressive herbivores.

The water was very clear. Unfortunately, I failed to look down and check the sand before stepping on a stingray.  After getting back to the hotel with a bloody foot that swelled up like a balloon, I had to sit there and put up with a 21 year old cabana boy talking me down from hyper ventilating as he forced me to soak my foot in scalding hot water. Only an hour and a half later, he was making fun of me when he realized I was not going to die from an allergic reaction. I should have taken his bucket of hot water and placed it over his head.   Did I say that out loud?  This was after I was exhausted from trying to swim back to the beach, and my brother dragging me in like I was a beached whale. My younger brother, who was witnessing this unfold, commented on the lack of first aid skills. Fortunately, neither brother did not pee on my foot, and my third brother was not present to make a comedy act out of it. It was humiliating enough that my horrible scream from the water had apparently cleared the beach.

I am now going on my almost one month since the incident. After one tetanus shot, x-rays, and three doctor visits, the swelling has gone down and some of the pain is gone. My foot is starting to feel like a foot again. During the ordeal, I was trying to find a cure and spent hours searching information on stingray stings. I was one step away from calling my grandmother's doctor in Florida for help, since I live five states away, and the worst thing they see here are seasonal allergies and gun shot wounds.  I managed to learn a lot about stingrays and not how to overcome a sting.

Stingrays are cartilaginous fishes related to sharks. See, I told you! There are multiple families of stingrays, and most have one or more barbs on the end of their tails used as a self-defense mechanism. See picture below from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sting_ray. Their barbs are

covered in a sheath which holds venom. I had no idea stingrays actually had venom. Yes, I already know the Crocodile Hunter, Steve whatever his name is, died from being stung by a stingray. He was a lunatic and an exception. Stingrays actually conceal themselves from prey by hiding in the sand. These beady-eyed shark wanna-be's use smell and electro-receptors to find their prey, just like a shark. They usually feed on crustaceans and mollusks and the occasional human foot. They also carry a pair of scissors. (Just checking to see if you are still reading). When stingrays sting with their barb, it introduces venom. Between the barb piercing your skin and the electric shock of venom being introduced at a high rate of speed, the person experiences intense pain, swelling, muscle cramps, etc. If you are not allergic to the venom, then you basically suffer horrible pain until the venom breaks down. Since it is a protein-based venom, almost scalding hot water will break it down faster.

Rewind to three summers earlier and my battle against poison ivy. I am apparently very allergic to poison ivy and not stingray venom, thank God. In 2008, while at an outdoor concert in Zilker Park, Austin, Texas, I decided to pee in the bushes with my friend, who is NOT allergic to poison ivy. Of course, it was late, many beers later, dark, and a long walk to the car. The poison ivy was hiding in the bushes where I squatted. I fought the poison ivy all summer with steroids, acupuncture, herbal concoctions, gels, pastes, more steroids, more acupuncture, gels and paste, and finally a lot of complaining.

Which brings me to my previous list of things to avoid, especially in the summertime, and how to avoid them:

Always heed warning signs on the beach, for example, shuffle your feet or throw rocks in the water if there are stingrays present until there is a cure or anti-venom. Pain killers do not work!

Never drink in an open public park with all of your friends where weeds are not well maintained.

Never, ever let your friends persuade you to urinate in unmaintained weeds in an open public park when drunk, especially if you are a girl!

Never let anyone urinate on an open wound from a sting on a public beach.

BONUS (for the upcoming 4th of July weekend):
Never stand close to anyone with fireworks who says, "Hey! Watch this!"

Carpe Diem!

Things you SHOULD know!

2011-04-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

#1. Karma really is a bitch. We have all heard this saying, but probably passed it off as hooey. It's true in the sense that karma - (the ancient Indian concept of cause and effect) - can take you to task. For example, I was recently on an airplane and noticed a young girl wearing clothing I recognized as sleepwear from a particular Secret line of clothing, if you know what I mean. Comfortable, but not exactly what I would wear for a trip to a major airport or running for the lavatory on a crowded plane. In my not so tactful way, I mentioned to the passenger next to me (who was commenting on the girl's casual clothing) that they were in fact PJ's, not to be confused with a real jogging suit. Interestingly, we were chastising her for having the word PINK splashed across her rear as she ran past us for the bathroom, and not the fact that the turbulence was causing her to vomit. Sometimes the slightest infraction can hurt someone, and I guess, karma was on that girl's side that day. After I arrived home from that trip, I had diarrhea for the three days!

(www.victoriassecret.com)

#2 Never, ever judge a book by its cover. How many times have you heard this or said this? I find that the educated, the curious, and the wise are good at faking it, and the young do not hold back. As with flocks of people, I venture out on my lunch hour almost every day to reconnect with the world. The other day, I was on the hunt for food (which is usually every 2 hours of every day that I am awake). I walked to Freebirds, a funky, build-your-own burrito factory that will not haunt you later in the day. You can even make tin foil objects from your wrapping and leave them for display or ultimate mutilation by a teenager. The young woman that checked me out was wearing an Insane Clown Posse ("ICP") t-shirt, and the speakers were blaring a Beastie Boys song to which I knew every word. I mentioned at the check out that the music was great, I liked her t-shirt and that I had been to an ICP concert. Not only that, I thought, with all of her tattoos and pink hair, I judged her a a hard-working, pleasant young woman. My judgment changed when she cracked up and stated "I can't believe you know who ICP is by looking at you." Now all I can think about is the girl on the plane. (Pictures of ICP too crude to include. The Beastie Boys are three jewish guys from the Bronx, nothing to show there either.)

#3 Do NOT take pilates from someone who wears camo! I thought the schedule said yoga at noon. My yoga mat was laid out, I was sans my running shoes, and I was ready for a zen lunch hour of yoga. I noticed everyone sitting at two ends of the room facing each other and that should have been my first clue. Then, the wildest and most unsettled woman I have ever encountered entered the room. She was about 6 foot tall with curly, curly blond Medusa-looking hair, incredibly bright red lipstick, a bathing suit top, a somewhat protruding belly that looked angry, some sort of orange warm-up pants and cammo toe shoes. She was discussing her most recent online dating adventure and a recent murder of a pilates teacher in the area. (Second clue, should have left.) It was too late to leave, the music started cranking and the madness began. There were crunches of the abs and butt, bar bells and limbs flailing everywhere, and lots of screaming. I had apparently read the schedule wrong. It was not yoga, it was pilates from hell! Mrs. Hitler was late getting there, so the torture was going to end in 45 minutes or when I dropped a dumbbell on my head. I managed to survive, not quite until the end, and escape. As I drove through the parking lot to leave, I spotted a green Jeep with a cammo wheel cover and a sign on the back that said "Extreme Pilates". I didn't know until that day that "extreme" and "pilates" went together, and I probably will not be able to walk or recover from the trauma for three days!

The Centenarian

2011-03-20T23:22:00.002-05:00

It's been a while, and I hope that everyone is well despite the world events. I'm sure everyone has been as busy as I and enjoying every minute. But I am trying to get back to one thing I love, and that is this blog. On that note, I want to share one of my recent writing projects with you. In order for you to really get a grasp of the personality I wrote about, I have to lead you into it a bit.

One day, when I was about fourteen years old, my grandmother came to town to visit. She would come to Dallas from time to time to visit us, and I couldn't wait to get home from school. She always came bearing gifts from various parts of the world she had been to and had outlandish stories to tell. Not only that, I loved looking at all of her jewelry, and there was a lot. She was always dressed nice, wore lots of gold necklaces, bracelets and rings, all at one time, and her hair was always stacked high on top of her head.

When I arrived home from school, we hugged and kissed, and as usual, I ran upstairs to my bedroom to change my clothes. As soon as I got to my bedroom I let out a shrilling scream. On my dresser sat a large circle of thick, braided hair in a dressy hairnet which was usually on my grandmother's head. I couldn't believe it! After the initial shock of finding hair and no head in my bedroom, my grandmother explained that she had grown her hair long, cut it off, and made a braid out of it. The hair on her head was still down her back. She puts her hair in a bun, and then adds the braid on top. No wonder she wore so many hair clips. That was my first real insight into my grandmother.

In May, this same eccentric woman will be a Centenarian. She still gets around with no problems, is incredibly lucid and very interesting. And, one of my projects has been to recognize her achievement in age through various sources including the Whitehouse, The Today Show, the newspaper and other organizations. What I have come up with is an abbreviated version of her story, and I hope you enjoy it.

It’s official, on May 29, 2011, Antonietta Ajello Montin “Ann”, the newest centenarian of Largo, will celebrate her 100th birthday in grand style. Ann was born in 1911 during a time of building and innovation in America. She exhibits the excitement in America during the beginning of the 20th century with her unique personality, vivaciousness, intellect and style. Her birthday party will be held on May 28th at Pinecrest Place, with the same exuberance, as Ann will host a formal affair, with dinner, dancing, live music, and champagne topped off with sweet delicacies and a chocolate fountain. As we celebrate her century mark, we share her wonderful history.

Ann was born in New York City as the middle child of eleven to Adelina Vaccaro and Antonino Ajello. She was surrounded by wonderful brothers and sisters her entire childhood, growing up in Manhattan and the Bronx. Since Ann and her siblings went to all-girl catholic schools or military academies, holidays were her most memorable times because her entire family would be together. After dinner, Ann’s family would gather and have parties, or they would sit around her father and listen to him play guitar.

On April 23, 1933, a grown up Ann married Vincent Minchillo, whose family was from Foggia, Italy. They had two sons, Joseph and Vincent. When her two sons were very young, Ann’s husband passed away unexpectedly. Ann rebounded and remarried, moved to Vermont, and expanded her family with a third son, Mario Fusco. In the 1950’s, Ann left Vermont and returned to her home state of New York to start a new chapter in her life. She began working for an executive assisting him with travel arrangements to support herself and her family. It was this job that gave Ann her first peek into the world of travel, and from there, she took a keen interest in working for a travel agency. She got her first passport in 1958 after starting her new career as a travel agent for an agency in the Federal Building in New York City.

Over the next 40 years, Ann and her career took off, literally. Ann traveled around the world several times over. Her travels extended up and down the Ivory Coast, took her to China after the Borders were open, flew her to many parts of Persia including Iran and Afghanistan, to Asia, and all over warm and friendly South America. One of her favorite places to visit is Indonesia. During every trip, she made it a point to attend a funeral, a wedding and a fiesta, and all of these events combined reminded her of all the beautiful traditions and things life had to offer. She has fond memories of wonder and amazement from visiting many countries that are now experiencing natural disasters, strife and war. Ann took hundreds of photographs and Super 8 film recording discoveries and stories beyond belief. She brought her children and grandchildren back mementos from each trip representing the indigenous people and culture of each country. And of course, there is no lack of stories from her fascinating visits.

On one of Ann’s many visits to Italy, Ann and her sister were boarding a train in Palermo. They boarded the dining car in hopes to be served lunch on their trip back to Rome. However, they were told they could not sit in the dining car since it was not time for dinner, but Ann was hungry and refused to move. The waiter had no choice but to relent and grant Ann’s wish to dine. As the train started, the dining car doors were locked, the curtains were drawn, music began, and six men entered the back of the dining car. The waiter went straight to the six men and took their order first. When he returned to Ann’s dining table to take her order, Ann lectured the waiter on the American custom of women first. But that did not matter, as the waiter explained that one of the six men was the current Italian Premier, Amintore Fanfani. Not to be outdone, Ann announced to the waiter that she was the Contessa Anna Maria. He was astonished, and informed the Premier that he was sharing the dining car with a Contessa. Once the six men learned there was a Contessa on the train, the mood changed. Prime Minister Fanfani and the other men stood up and bowed at Ann and her sister. They sent over a bowl of cherries and tasty liquors. And finally, when Ann and her sister got up to leave the dining car, all six men greeted them and kissed their hands. Ann was an Italian Contessa for a day, but has lived her life as if she really is a Contessa.

Ann’s family is originally from Sorrento, Italy, where in 1775 The Ajello Candle Company was created. In 1785, Ajello candles were recognized by the Catholic Church and The Ajello Candle Company was commissioned to make all of the candles for the Vatican. From there, Ajello candles spread to be sold to Europe’s elite including kings, queens and the Pope. In 1862, the creator’s grandson, Rafael Ajello, and his two sons, came to America and opened a candle shop in Manhattan. Antonino, one of the sons and Ann’s father, took special care to make sure the business was a success. It was in New York that Antonino began producing candles for people like President Franklin D. Roosevelt. As the company grew in popularity, it helped to celebrate grand events all over the United States and Europe and eventually expanded west to Beverly Hills. In 1935, the Ajello family opened a candle shop in the famed Waldorf Astoria Hotel in Manhattan and celebrated a new generation of elite customers for the next 40 years. Today the Ajello family still operates candle shops in California and New York.

Ann married Joseph “Nino” Montin in 1982 at the age of 71 in New Jersey. Together, they moved to Florida and lived happily in love in Cape Coral for many years. Although she lost Nino many years ago, she still loves and has a beautiful heart. Ann is as vibrant as the North Star, or as many family members describe her, “sharp as a tack”. You can ask her every day what her secret to longevity is, and her answer always includes garlic, red wine, olive oil, laughing, watching game shows like the Wheel of Fortune to keep her mind sharp, watching the Bachelor for fun, and treating others the way she wants to be treated. And Ann has a lot to smile and laugh about. She still brags about her teeth and long hair, especially because they are all hers.

It is fun to listen to her reminisce about the horse and buggies on Pleasant Avenue in New York City and the five cent subway fares and how far she has come. Even more interesting are facts including that Ann never had a driver’s license and never drove a car, but managed to travel all over the world. More amazing, Ann has never even worn pants! She is too stylish and always dresses like a lady with her hair beautifully pinned up.

Ann is the mother of three children, eight grandchildren, and twelve great grandchildren. Her family and friends are gathering from far and wide in Largo, Florida to celebrate her century mark, and to wish Ann the happiest birthday. She truly brings inspiration and joy every day to people around her whether family, friends, neighbors or complete strangers. She is a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, grandmother, great aunt, friend, neighbor and Contessa!

After the Holidays - Thank U's From Hell

2011-01-11T22:27:00.002-06:00

If you were wondering what to do with those old thank you cards embellished with smiley faces and rainbows purchased ten years ago at a garage sale for .50, wonder no longer. Its time to write those thank you notes, even for those not so thoughtful or eccentric gifts. Therefore, I present "Thank U's From Hell."

Scenario 1:
Your boy/girl friend, husband/wife, significant other waited until Christmas Eve to take the time to shop. Note, they did not ponder, they went directly to the shopping. The only problem is he/she waited until 11:45 pm on the eve of Christmas to make sure you were asleep. Once they confirmed your dream induced state, they slipped out of the house and found the closest 24-hour drug store or convenience store. So now you are the proud owner of a Snuggy with purple dinosaurs pictured on it, Oakland Raiders' slippers, a pocket knife, a tire gauge, and some left over Halloween candy. Now, now, its the thought that counts.

"Dear Bob/Dolores, thank you so much for the crap you bought me on Christmas Eve. I love it. Next time you might want to let the car warm up so it doesn't back fire on your way to 7-11."
Love . . . .

Scenario 2
A co-worker, and strictly a co-worker, gives you a handcrafted piece of work from their 4 year old child, grandchild, niece, nephew or nanny's child, grandchild . . . Unfortunately you have no idea what it is, what it is supposed to be, what its function is, if any, and would have preferred a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Dear Harry/Linda, thank you so much for the prize. It is proudly displayed at my home." Need I say more.

Scenario 3
Your book club decided to spend yet another week not discussing the book you chose, and have a secret Santa party. Yeah! Everyone quickly prepared for the party by drawing names, setting a price limit and immediately ditching the book, "The Cat Who Came for Christmas" for the third year in a row. Darn. The party arrives, the wine flows, and the gifts are passed out. Despite your attempt to elicit very specific gifts within the price limit, your secret Santa went all out. The sheer surprise on your face was joy enough for your secret Santa when you unwrapped your new shampoo and raw diet book. Just what you wanted, to starve to death and smell good doing it.

"Dear Kelly/Frank, thank you so much for the thoughtful gifts. I'm sure I will love the Kumquat & Brown Spice shampoo. I will be sure to share some yummies from the new raw diet book if I don't eat it first. Hee hee, just a joke. Love Kathy Bates."

As we get older, that old saying starts to have true meaning, "if you want something done you have to do it yourself." So if you want the magic of Christmas, forgot it.

Carpe Diem from Hell!
C

'Tis a Green Christmas

2010-12-19T20:06:00.000-06:00

'Tis the Sunday before Christmas, and all through the US, the shoppers are crazy to find the best. Now only six days left to find the perfect gift, you can't disappoint or you will hear a rift. So settle down and don't risk your life, just go green and dismiss the mall hype. With a list of how too's and magic in the air, create lots of jolliness without any despair. Now I am done with my poem and have no more to share, consider the list of greenness that is more than fair. And Merry Christmas to all from here, until I email you again in the new year!

Done with driving, fighting traffic, no available parking, long lines? Why do we do this to ourselves every year? I am working on going green, and I will admit its hard. In line with gardening and recycling, I tried to incorporate some greenness (and not in a Scrooge way), into Christmas.  Instead of creating more pollution, here's how we can take advantage of America's love for over consumption while giving great gifts.

1. RE GIFTING.  Admit it, you probably have some really nice things that you will never use, do not like, or have no clue how to put them to use. They are taking up space in your cabinets. Or maybe you are a hoarder. Stop hording and give a little.  I would be willing to place a bet that even Queen Elizabeth has re gifted.

2. JOEY'S GIFT EXCHANGE. My cousin Joey must have full credit for this idea, and I think it is awesome. Have a Christmas party and exchange. This is not necessarily a gift exchange or white elephant. It is where you bring unused or unwanted and unwrapped items (you are not re gifting) from your house. Everyone sets them out. Some people will find things they can use others will not. But the point is that the unused items in your house will be appreciated. You spend no money on buying gifts, but yet you make someone else happy, and potentially find something really cool that you want.

3. BUY PRODUCTS WITH LESS PACKAGING. There are lots of products on the market, including toys, with a lot of unnecessary and environmentally unfriendly packaging. Buy products with the least amount of packaging as gifts, like toilet paper. People always need it and will always use it!

4. SHOP ESTATE SALES. Real estate sales are a treasure trove of stuff. When old people die or are moved off to a nursing home, their stuff is often sold off. A true estate sale can contain 50 years or more of stuff including gifts they never re gifted that their own families do not want. You can find silver, china, sports memorabilia, and doilies. All good choices for someone on your list.

5. MOVIE EXCHANGE. Have a movie exchange with your friends or family. Now is your chance to get rid of all those movies you have watched over and over or those porno flics you have been hiding in the closet. Come on guys, you know you have purchased some tacky movies from time to time.

6. MAKE SOMETHING. Think you can't make something? Wrong, you definitely can create something. I have been to several art studios to with lots of expensive "art" that looks like a 5 year old put it together. You can compile a bunch of crap, glue it all together, and call it a masterpiece. Give the gift of art that will never go away. Make sure you use materials that will not compost and can be sealed so it will stand the test of time.  This will truly test how gracious the recipient is, but also recycles materials that would otherwise be sitting in the garage, the shed or the trash.

Over the next six days, one of the six ideas above will help you have a Green Christmas. I think I will make this a tradition! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

p.s. On a more serious note, if you do not have a Kindle or cannot afford to purchase one, you can download the Kindle software for free on your PC. So if you receive or giving the gift of Amazon, remember to share the free Kindle for PC software.

Carpe Diem

Go Straight to the New Year

2010-12-08T21:49:00.009-06:00

I'm skipping right over Christmas as if Rudolph spooked and flew over North America. Every year I hear disheartening comments decrying the Christmas holiday. For a lot of people, 'tis the season of stress, overeating and credit card abuse. And if you don't submiss to advertisers pleas to lavishly spend on your children, buy a diamond ring or a Lexus, then really, whats the point? So this year, I am giving Saint Nicholas a vacation, and I'm letting go of the stress caused by a never ending cycle of seeking out the perfect gift that does not exist. I'm pulling the plug on Christmas. (Not really, I love giving gifts and visiting with family over the holiday, but for this blog, I'm throwing in the towel.) It's time to just let go. If the Christmas holiday brings you down, then you should pull the plug too.

The Christmas lights are out, but the new year is being pulled around the corner by eight white horses. To smooth over the loss of a major holiday, and to provide rejuvenation, I came up with a fantastic idea for new year's eve. Instead of the usual party horns and champagne, or the burying of deep thoughts in the yard to dig up next year, or the destruction of bad thoughts by burning them in a bonfire in the middle of your living room, ask the people around you for help.

How do we do that? We allow our loved one(s) to write our new year's resolutions for us and we write theirs! That's right. Your project for the next two weeks is for you to have the person closest to you write your new year's resolutions. Here is the example for women to write for their husbands and boyfriends around the world:

1. I will always pick up my dirty laundry
2. I will help with cleaning out the litter box
3. I will go to the mall with my girlfriend at least three times next year
4. I will plan more vacations
5. I will actually go grocery shopping
6. I will learn what to put in the recycling bin
7. I will remember that when I am nagged it is because I am not doing items 1-6.

See how easy that is? I'm sure my boyfriend's new year's resolutions for me will look something like this:

1. I will stop nagging him to clean
2. I will stop nagging him to clean the litter box
3. I will not ask him to go for a walk with the dogs
4. I will not ask him if he is mad at me
5. I will not ask him if I look fat in those jeans
6. I will go or watch the equivalent of 200 baseball games with him
7. I will love the catchers mitt he bought me for Christmas.

I would love to share your lists on the blog. Hope to see your lists soon. Just click on "Post a Comment" link to post a comment below.

Namaste, Carpe Diem and Merry Christmas anyway!

Baseball, Then Roller Derby, Then Football

2010-11-09T22:03:00.004-06:00

If you were entertained by frozen pizza's and Saturday Night Live in the late 70's, you will recognize this line, "Baseball has bin bery bery good to me." If there is no recognition, pretend you are a Black comedian pretending to be a baseball player from the Dominican Republic. It was the age of Gilda Radner and it was funny. I didn't get the joke about baseball until Alex Rodriguez betrayed the Texas Rangers for millions of dollars to play for the Yankees. And although I am not making gazillions of dollars playing shortstop for the Yanks, baseball has been very good to me this year. This was the first time in my life that I watched baseball with purpose, that I went to the baseball games to cheer a specific player, that I purchased a jersey to show my support for the home team. I had no idea that 30 attended games and ten pounds later (all from $1 hot dog night at the ball park), that the Texas Rangers would go to the World Series and I would purchase a foam finger. Wow. And in reality, my boyfriend made the game come alive. He rooted for the home team instead of watching 500 other baseball games at the risk of making me feel benched. He taught me a lot about being a vigilant Rangers fan. The season is now over, and as I attempt to lose my hot dog buns until next season, I must find other forms of entertainment.

Ah yes, a good old fashioned roller derby. Awesome stuff. I went to my first Roller Derby match, bout, mash up, whatever you want to call it, the week before Halloween. Flashbacks from the 70's once again, except this time, it's flat track, it's fast, it's a bit crude and there are no ropes separating you from the skaters. This can be treacherous if your seat is not more than 3 feet off the ground. The women on a team make up jammers and blockers. As you can imagine, the jammers are usually small, agile and quick, and the blockers, well, you will see in the background of the picture below. None of the skaters understand that fishnets and big thighs don't mix and three feet off the ground is not high enough! Aside from a little pushing, hip checking and a lot of screaming, it was mostly an underwear show. The batman underwear was not to be outdone by the half time show in between bouts. I took a video of roller derby queens dressed as zombies recreating Michael Jackson's Thriller video. It was on YouTube until my boyfriend received a threatening email to take it down because of some crazy copyright thingy. Other entertainment was provided by a giant with a dead baby doll. You will just have to watch football for a real half time show.

Speaking of which, I still love the Dallas Cowboys despite their constant suckitude. As I was lying in bed after their Sunday night beat down, I asked, "Why doesn't Jerry Jones fire some people mid season and shake things up?" The answer given to me was "Because it's mid-season, teams will wait until the end of the year to change coaching." Ha, I guess Jones took my advice. For now, all I care about is how my fantasy football teams are doing. That's right, I said "teams" plural. I swore last year that I would never play again. It was a pain in my ass to remember to set my lineup every week. And God forbid a player had the week off. Yet here we are mid-season and I have two teams to maintain. And honestly, I am not doing too bad. Despite my connection of stupidity to fantasy football, I now enjoy it in a twisted way. Admittedly, I do not commit a lot of time to my research every week, but I know how to get the information. Wahaha. So now on Sunday when I get up, I hang out on the couch in my underwear, scratch myself, check out my lineup and wait for the clock to strike noon. If I don't make it to the playoffs, I think I will try out for roller derby.

Don't worry, I'm still doing yoga, cooking, wearing makeup and high heels and love horses. Namaste!

Stop the Aging Process and Lose Weight Now!

2010-08-19T22:45:00.000-05:00

I’m starring down the barrel of 45 . . . age that is. All of a sudden I’m ten years older and ten pounds heavier. I had never had an issue with weight, ever, before now. I was a toothpick growing up. That could have been due to the fact that we had a family of six, and many times seven, and if I didn't eat fast enough, there was nothing left. In reality, I would rather eat a bowl of sugar once a day than eat three healthy meals. Now, if I even think about eating a bowl of sugar I gain a couple of pounds and ten more gray hairs.

I know I'm in the same boat with many aging people, extra weight (commonly known as “Fat”), cellulite (ick!), saggy skin, wrinkles, gray hair, and really need I go on. And for all you young ladies out there that think you are immune, I have news for you. I used to be young too. Such sweet revenge, but still, doesn't help the fact that my body parts are falling, sagging, wrinkling, growing and/or shrinking. Once I think I have something under control through a new workout program, then I have to color my hair. Once that is done, I have to get stronker wrinkle cream.

There are few options in the battle of the bulge and fighting old age. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box but could have dramatic affects.

1. Get stranded on a desert island. This will certainly cause radical changes in your weight and probably improve your tan. Not sure your skin conditions are going to improve, but you will definitely lose some fat.

2. Start putting 100% of your salary into your 401K. This will leave nothing left for food.

3. Abandon earth and purchase a seat somewhere in space. Your comfort is certainly going to depend on losing some weight, especially if you want to fit into that space suit. We might as well, especially since Iran and Korea continue to threaten nuclear war for no reason whatsoever. Meeting with Professor Hawking anyone?

4. Rob a bank and get caught, or not. Either way, the stress of running from the law and then eventually getting caught and going to prison will cause you not to eat for a long time. However, the consequences are that you will balloon in weight once you start eating all the starchy food served in prison cafeterias. Yuk.

5. Add Cayenne to every meal. It will hurt and you will spend a lot of time in the bathroom, but you will lose weight!

6. Eat some eggs that have one of the following numbers on the carton P-1026, P-1413, and P-1946. Salmonella will not kill you, but it will make you very ill.

If you have any good suggestions you would like me to add, let me know!!

Carpe Diem

FEELING FREE WITH REDNECKS BECAUSE I CARE

2010-07-18T11:30:00.002-05:00

The big gasp everyone took at the first images of hundreds of gallons of oil gushing into the Gulf is finally being exhaled as the BP Cap appears to be holding. I wonder what my dad, an engineer of all sorts, would have thought of that debacle. Here is an oil and gas giant with massive amounts of resources, but none that could stop the deep sea monster they created.  Some one at BP with brains finally stepped up to the monster and is resolving the problem. Maybe every one in the Gulf can start breathing again.

This makes me feel free. Free to go to the Gulf of Mexico for a vacation, maybe the redneck riviera in Florida. They have been advertising a lot here in Texas, and it looks nice. I can get out of the city and breathe, something we all need to practice more. Breath can do a lot of things. It is used as the basis of meditation and yoga. It brings life to our bodies and our minds. It creates a feeling of calm.  We walk around all day taking in short breaths and don't realize we are suffocating ourselves. The more everyone practices breathing more fully, the happier everyone will be with each other.

On the other hand, sometimes being quiet and breathing is just not enough. There are times where you have to stand up for yourself or someone else because the other person isn't breathing. In fact, they are hyperventilating or choking on their own ego. (Kind of like Mel Gibson.)

The other day I was in bumper to bumper traffic. In front of me was a large man in a large pick up truck with really large tires. He was smoking a cigarette and tailgating a small Toyota in front of him. There was essentially no wear to go to escape, except slowly changing lanes. The guy in the truck was upset, smoking and providing multiple one-finger bouquets to the driver of the Toyota. The truck could have easily driving right over the small Toyota, but smartly the Toyota driver exited the highway (with his blinker) where I was exiting. All of a sudden, the big pick up decided to exit as well while throwing his cigarette out of the window, and continued the relentless pursuit of torture of the driver of the Toyota. I exited to the right turn only lane where I was all alone. The Toyota sat helpless with the big pick up truck behind in a long line of cars at a traffic light to turn left. I was free to do what I wanted.  In my zen way, I pulled up next to the truck, looked at the driver and smiled. I rolled my window down, he rolled his window down. I asked politely with a smile "did that truck come with an ashtray?" He screamed at me "What do you care?" I smiled back and said "I care." His retort, "FU!" as I expected. So I asked, "Why don't you leave that person in front of you alone and have a nice day." And as I drove off, I could see his fat body bouncing around flailing his arms as he screamed. He was stuck in heavy traffic, and I was free in so many ways. God it felt good.  (This is not recommended, especially in Texas with a lot of gun toting rednecks. Leave it to the professionals and those like me who are too stupid to know better.)

I'm feeling really good now, relaxed. Free to pursue my writing again, continue volunteer work, enjoy my new job, hang out with friends, and wait for my fantasy football league invitations. There is something to be said for breathing.

"Our grand business in life is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand."

-- Thomas Carlyle

Two Australian Guys Walk into a Bar . . . .

2010-05-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm seriously behind on my writing projects, but that's okay. One of my goals this year is to keep up my blog, and the other is to chill out. So I guess right now, I'm in the "chill out" phase of writing on my blog. Mostly because the world seems to be experiencing some really strange things, and I can't write any better than the world can create chaos. An acquaintance claims it is the position of the planets right now through October, at least. I can't disagree with her. It makes more sense then the Texas Governor who stated the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico is an act of God. This is a man that shot a coyote while out for a job with his dog. Once he felt safe, he and his dog continued on their run. So many things wrong with this story, and so little time, so here's the link for you crazed political junkies: http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=1523.

I went to Chicago recently and escaped. Now if you have to go to Chicago to escape oil leaks, Greece going bankrupt and your computer, than the planets are definitely not aligned. I did have a great time, and amassed a lot of writing material. Like the story of two Australian guys in a bar. I'll save it for later since it is one way to look at national health care, and right now everyone is sick, form national health care (except me).

Last, I usually write about the Kentucky Derby. Instead of writing about this year's race, I completely missed it. Yes, there is a DVR in my house, and yes, I set it to record. It just so happens that those darn planets caused the phone, the satellite and the DSL to all go down within a couple of days of each other. It was weird, like aliens visiting weird. In fact, the Saturday night before all of this, I was chilling out in a hotel lobby at about 11:00 at night. No, I wasn't hookin, I was waiting for a midnight movie to begin at the Texas Frightmare Weekend. (A story for some other day.) John Carpenter and Elvira were even in attendance. But as I am sitting in the bar, I was zoning in on Larry King Live on the television. He had two guests on, one was Stephen Hawking, who believes that we should not be talking to aliens, or encouraging in any way, their visitation here on earth. I think it's a little late for that. But for all you people out there coaxing them to land in your back yard, STOP IT! I don't want to become a lab human.

Regarding the Derby, I had no pick, but will predict Super Saver will NOT be the next triple crown winner. He just doesn't have it in him. And after meeting Lulu, I think I know who the 2012 Derby winner will be - her picture is below). Lulu is a 3 week old thoroughbred filly who likes her butt scratched!)

I hope everything is cool. Stay away from anything bad for you, aliens, and the Gulf Coast.

Cyn

Watch Out Poison Ivy!

2010-04-28T22:12:00.000-05:00

It was the first week in August of 2008 that I launched by blog "Jejune Advice to All." I can't believe it's been almost two years! My hope is that it has been mildly to very entertaining at times for each person who reads it. Poking fun at myself (and everything else in the world) has been liberating. And, as always, the world around me feeds great topics to blog about. However, there is one blog entry that I would love to forget . . . my summer long battle with poison ivy!

On the eve of summer 2010, I would like to celebrate my eventual win over the devious ivy (I may not have won the war, but I managed to not to pick a fight for the past two years). In celebration, I would like to report that a solution to the growing need for poison ivy control has been discovered. GOATS! That's right, you can rent your very own herd of goats to clear brush and eat your poison ivy. For those of you who need to rent a goat, I'm including a link to a great article from the Dirt Doctor with video on herds of plant destroying goats. So if you want to get rid of weeds, poison oak, squirrels and your lawn, a herd of goats can't be beat.
http://www.dirtdoctor.com/organic/garden/view_question/id/3093/

This may be old news to some of you, but for me it solidifies my decision to harbor a furry weed eating nanny in my backyard. I can claim it's a medical necessity. I wonder if the City of Dallas would buy that? I can't wait!

Carpe Diem.

Solutions to America's Problems Anyone?

2010-03-31T22:42:00.002-05:00

I'm going to pull the plug, and am publishing my most controversial blog yet. For years, I have pondered about homelessness in America, the population growth from both immigration and birth in America, how we can help others and help our own country, on and on. At times I seem to have flashes of brilliance only to be harshly admonished for being too conservative or too liberal. No matter what political party, religion or groups you affiliate yourself with, you have to admit, America may just be in trouble.

With that said, I am publishing my humble ideas, (which are subject to change at any moment), and hopefully will get to hear about your ideas.

PROBLEMS:
We have lots of unwanted children.
We have drugs.
We have gangs.
We have violent crime (not just crime, but violent crime).

Drugs, gangs and violent crime are frequently interrelated. Drug dealers are usually in gangs. Gang members usually carry guns. Guns usually lead to violent crimes when carried by drug dealers in a gang. Every once in a while you hear about the high profile murder of an unsuspecting family person or a crime of passion. But those are few and far between compared to the common violent crimes on the streets of any major metropolitan area. So where do we begin to fix it?

THE BIGGER PROBLEM:
It starts with the parents at home, the environment, the total unconsciousness of our society. Let's start with the reason you are married and have children. Most of you planned your children, or if you didn't, you took responsibility for your children and then maybe planned additional children. You work, raise your children, teach them between right and wrong, and your children go to school. If you don't have children, you probably made a conscious decision to not have children. Most parents that plan and/or take responsibility for their children live a life of consciousness.

The problem is, not everyone lives their life in conciousness, planning, and trying to make the right decisions. Many people live uncarring, ego driven lives. These people are usually drug addicts, drug dealers, gang members, come from abusive horrible backgrounds, or are just simply dark souls with no conscience at all (like Jeffrey Dahmer).

Everyone wants solutions, and everyone has great ideas, but this is where the controversy always arises. One person, side, party, religion, etc. may believe that their solution is better than the other. The truth is no one knows whether it is a good solution until it is implemented. Results will show whether it was worthwhile or not. And how will we know unless we have results? Kind of like the healthcare plan.

SUGGESTIONS??
1. Legalize certain drugs. I know that sounds crazy, and probably doesn't resolve turf war issues, but certainly will change the black market entirely (which also exists in prisons by the way), thus changing how drugs are sold. I doubt it would make them more prevelant because there would be strict rules as to the amount, control and sale of drugs. People would be going to prison for real crimes as opposed to some goofy college student with 1/2 ounce of weed in his pocket he was going to smoke on the couch.

2. Ban hand guns, ALL HAND GUNS (except for police and military). How can a drug dealer, desparate drug addict, or gang member shoot or rob anyone if they don't have a hand gun? Do you really need 20 handguns? What's wrong with a rifle? I like rifles, I think they are fun to shoot. I know, what about your constitutional rights? I think if our founding fathers saw what was going on in society today, they would be disgusted at the mutation and abuse of the meaning of the our constitutional rights. Having a well-armed militia does not mean allowing everyone the right to own a handgun, especially if 70% of the people with handguns possess them and use them unlawfully. I would give up my handguns in a heart beat if it meant the mass reduction of violent crimes in America. If you think I'm wrong, you are living in a bubble. Yes, there have been violent crimes committed with rifles and shotguns, and that can always go up, but you can't hide a rifle in your pants at a night club or in the arm rest of your car. In 2002, there were over 16,000 murders, over 8,000 from the use of a hand gun. You can check out stats (albeit old) and the 2nd Amendment at http://www.csus.edu/indiv/g/gaskilld/SocialIssues14/guns.htm

3. Pay people to have a vasectomy or a tubal ligation (tying up those tubes)! I had been racking my brains for years for a solution to the overbirth of unwanted poor children who are only going to be subjected to a life of poverty and crime. I'm not saying that everyone should just stop having children if you live in the projects or are poor, but those children should be planned or at least taken care of in a kind humane manner in which people were meant to live. America is supposed to be the exemplar country of power, truth and freedom, but we constantly hear stories of atrocities committed against innocent children who have no part in their own abuse or death. If you were a drug addict, what would you choose? To have a child you have no intention of feeding or caring for or to have money $$$ to buy more drugs? I know this is a hard one to swallow, but someone I know came up with the idea of paying people to spay or neuter themselves. I love the idea. Mine was always to provide free birth control, but you cannot force someone to use it. This provides permanent birth control. This does not mean you cannot first have children. Maybe you are 20, unemployed, and you have four children from three different daddies who are no where to be found. Don't you think its time for a little self control?

CONCLUSION:
As there must be, evil will probably find a way to sneak back in and ruin my great ideas once implemented. But think of the amount of money we will save without tax hikes and bigger government by decreasing the prison population, decreasing the general population, decreasing the medicaid outlays, and decreasing the amount of overtime our homicide detectives work. Some states would save millions of dollars in just one year from sales tax of marijuana alone!

Crazy, outlandish, but admittedly, sensible.

Carpe Diem!

MONEY!

2010-02-24T13:31:00.001-06:00

Hate talking about money? Me too! But instead of being clueless I decided to come face-to-face with something that I fear, saving! Who would of thought in high school that the term 401K would be music to your ears? Since many of us probably included a goal related to money in our new year's resolutions, I thought I would float out some information that might be helpful - maybe.

I'm not a financial advisor now, nor do I know much about investing. In fact, I'm terrible at it, and have rarely had access to a 401K from the employers I have worked for. I have scrimped and saved here and there only to blow it. Now that I am sort of getting older, (but still look fabulous), I start taking this saving thing seriously. I have relied solely on advice from friends, employers, financial advisors, investment books and free articles on the Internet. Most say, "diversify". How do you diversify if you have no money?

If you are like me and freaking out, then pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get busy. Social Security is bankrupt, the US may be bankrupt soon, and I don't think our exports are going to out perform Asia any time soon no matter how bad Toyota is performing right now. But alas, we are not doomed. There's lots we can do to try and secure our future savings.

First, since I do not have a 401K (the ability to save like crazy tax free and earn free money from your employer's match) I started a Roth IRA.   I contribute after-tax money every month. Even a small amount adds up. I do this with an online account for free. And I am taking advantage of time and embarking on investing in overseas companies (except Toyota)!

Second, because of sky rocketing (I mean into another atmosphere) cost of health insurance, I got a high deductible health plan with a Health Savings Account. I had to research it, but several banks have separate Health Savings Accounts, like "HSA Bank" or "Bank of America". The account is similar to an IRA. You can deposit or rollover up to $3,000 a year into this tax free savings vehicle.  You are not taxed on the deposits. The bank will send you a credit card just for your health care expenses. You can even use it on therapeutic massages, medications, dental, homeopathic remedies and vitamins, as long as it is within your defined plan. If you have out-of-pocket expenses for medical, you can repay yourself from your HSA. Or, you can be healthy, not spend the money and leave it in there to earn interest. Just be sure to watch the bank fee, which is usually a monthly maintenance fee. Maybe you are lucky and your employer offers this as well, if so, take advantage of it.

Third, I rolled over an old 401K I had into a free, no-load mutual fund with Vanguard. http://www.vanguard.com/. They have lots of mutual funds from low to high risk. It is a traditional IRA, so right now I am not making contributions to it since I would end up taxed twice, once before deposit my earnings, and twice when I withdraw the money at retirement. I have put it in a stock index fund that has grown over the years (except when Bush was President). If I roll it over to a Roth IRA, I will have to pay taxes on it, so I might consider eventually rolling it over to a Roth little by little so all of my taxes are paid on it before I retire. Definitely get advise on this before you proceed - yikes!

Fourth, if you have a 401K, figure out how much you need to live on, and try and put the maximum into your 401K, even if your employer doesn't contribute. You are not taxed on the money that goes into your 401K, therefore, you are paying less tax on your gross receipts, saving, and potentially getting free money from your employer. Wow. I know, you can't afford it, BS, give up the lattes, cigarrettes, buying three pairs of shoes every month, 500 channels on satellite (what's wrong with 120?) and lunch out every day, yeah you know who you are?

Fifth, I have a small savings account connected to my checking account. I try to keep a month's salary in there, but that is hard. It never fails that you have taxes to pay, emergencies, car repairs - ugghh, or you just have to have that . . . . . . . If you are tapping into emergency savings for things you "want" as opposed to things you "need" then you should re-think it by 48 hours. You will find that you can live without it for a little while. I also have that savings connected to my checking in case I get overdrawn. There are lots of fees related to overdraws now that the banks are suffering financially. Don't give them any reason to charge you extra.

Sixth, get down to one credit card. I have no annual fee and my interest is fairly low. I do not get points or awards because those are the cards that have a $25 to $75 annual fee. Since I do not spend that much money every month to earn points, it is not worth it. So reevaluate whether all those costs for a credit card with points is worth it.

Seventh, budget. I have tried this over and over, and hope to get it eventually. But if you are willing to attempt it, Microsoft Excel has a great template that will set you up and show you immediately whether you are in the red or not. I am going to utilize Mint from Intuit for free. If you file with TurboTax, it will give you the option to download Mint for free as well. You can also link to it on your "MyYahoo" page and see your budget every day.

Eighth, stash some cash away here and there for something just for you, like vacation. Somewhere that you do not look or think about every day. A shoe you never wear, a bra (like my cuz Debbie), or a sock with holes in it. (I wouldn't stash it in your car, bad idea).   That's your play money. Maybe gamble with it, go on a vacation, buy something frivilous, or get some plastic surgery with it. I said "frivilous."

Last, I wanted to share an article from a blog I like to read "Get Rich Slowly." Lots of good articles and thought provoking posts. http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2010/03/03/the-problem-with-prognostication-why-you-shouldnt-invest-based-on-expert-predictions/

GOOD LUCK AND WISH ME LUCK!

C

Talking to the Dead at a Seance

2010-02-06T19:07:00.000-06:00

February 1, 2010 was a misty, cold and black night as we drove eastbound farther away from the lights of Dallas to a small rural community.  With no street lights, we headed down a farm road bordered by barbed wire fences. We barely saw it, but managed to spot the dirt road we were instructed to take. At the end of the dirt road was a small light in the distance, it was attached to a lone house on a ranch. As we turned into the gate, we noticed lots of cars parked around a circle driveway, but didn't see any people. At the front door, we were greeted by a small blonde woman who was to be our guide for the evening. In a small 11 x 11 living room were two couches filled wtih people, as well as miscellaneous chairs around the room, half filled already. I immediately spotted our friends we were meeting. We did our greetings and took our places into the spirit circle.

We arrived right on time and had no interaction with the guide before the seance started. Everyone briefly introduced themselves and gave one reason for being there. Most were just curious, some seeking a message from a loved one now in spirit, others looking for their spirit guide. All in all, it would have been hard for the guide to know what each and every one of us wanted specifically. The guide turned out all the lights, which then made it hard for her to see us, our facial expressions or our body movements.

Being me, (as my boyfriend describes it "me, with the world revolving around me") I was worried objects would start flying around inside the house as she stood in the middle of the circle and began to summon spirits from the "other side." She ran the gambit, asking for Indians, mother earth, Jesus, Greek gods, to the plants out in the backyard. I envisioned mad vegetables and rabbits with big fangs coming in for the kill. As she circled around the room she called out to one of the ladies on a couch and said there was a big Indian standing behind her and asked if she was native American. She responded yes in a very apprehensive voice. By this point, I couldn't open my eyes for fear there would be a big Indian Chief holding a hatchet! But as the guide continued talking she moved on to the lady next to her, telling her that her deceased son was coming in with some other people and were laughing it up. The dead would show her objects and call out names and from that, she was able to connect the dead with the appropriate people in the room. The guide claimed at one point there were so many spirits in the room with us that it was hard for them to get through her, as she could only speak for one at a time.

She moved around the room the best she could standing mostly in the middle. When she sat down, she would lose her connections, and stand back up to pick up voices again. hmmmmm. At first, I felt like she really was channeling, but then she got kind of bizzare with her guesses telling a woman in the room that she used to be a dinasour in another life, the pretty kind, but got eaten by the mean kind. Yikes! Finally, she kept asking if someone owned a little store, a general store, or small store of some sort. No one responded. She kept saying it over and over, and said it was directed at someone on her left, which is where I was. I responded that maybe my great grandfather owned a small store. I didn't tell it was a candy store that burned down, probably for insurance money or by the mafia. But she dropped it and moved on anyway.

She then was speaking a lot to the family to my left. She was really trying to connect with them, saying there were spirits trying to reach out to them. The guide was being shown a chess piece, so was asking the woman next to me if a family member was named Chester or if a family member played chess.  She said no. The guide asked again, she said they are holding up one single chess piece. It was directed to someone on her left. I finally spoke up again and told her that my father was a chess player. The guide asked about the chess piece. I told her that when we buried my father, I threw a single chess piece into the grave on top of the coffin. She said that my father was saying hi and he wanted me to know he was watching me. Was I reaching or was she really connecting with my dad?

Then the guide stated that he was asking about a Dolores. Did I have anyone in my family named Dolores. The answer is yes, it is his cousin, who, from all accounts, was a sister to him, someone I keep up with. I couldn't believe it, that was fairly specific. I wanted to believe it, but was still unsure.  That was until the guide asked me if there was a monkey in our family. What??? She asked me again saying that my dad was showing her a monkey. Well, immediately my nephews popped into my head because I call them my "monkeys" . . . they are his grandchildren.

I'm still not sure what to believe. She tried connecting with others in the room including my boyfriend. She apparently saw a General of some sort standing behind him, but he has never had military men in his life. Maybe the general was lost and snuck into the party. The two gay guys on the couch got visits from their grandmothers, bible thumping parents, and a poodle.

When we got home my boyfriend immediately clued me in to what is referred to as "cold reading." Something I had never heard of. I just thought people like Cleo, the psychic that got in a lot of trouble, were good at guessing. What I learned is there is a skill involved in cold reading. Those that are practiced at it can be very convincing. They stab at something in the dark and once they make a hit they take hold and run with it. I didn't give her much to go on, so I'm not sure whether she was really channeling or guessing and I reached out and grabbed. I had to believe she was channelling because how many people have monkeys and chess pieces floating around?

What do you think??

C

Politics and Racism

2010-01-21T22:14:00.002-06:00

With a title like this, there is just so much I could say. But for now, it is really all about one story. Have you heard of this book? Game Change:Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime? It was written by two political reporters who have been very succesful in indirect marketing. I know, some of you are bored already, eyes glazed over and a nap is creeping up. But wakeup - times have changed. What I mean by indirect marketing is the fact that the book contains what some have said is a racist statement; thus, causing quite a stir.

The authors quote a politician who referred to candidate Obama as a "light-skinned black without a negro dialect." Reading around the quote, you can understand the context of how it was written and that it related to finding a popular candidate who was crazy enough to run for President and lucky enough to possess the right attributes to be elected. It was not meant to offend. Obama does purport to be a black man does he not? Well an apology was demanded of course!

Now here's where it gets more interesting. I'm not sure who demanded the apology since I have been turning the television and all of my Internet streaming news feeds off lately, but according to the guy with two first names that is now hosting Meet the Press (my former favorite political show), the Democratic National Committee was seeking an apology on behalf of President Obama. (or something like that). So the Chairmen for the Democratic National Committee and the Republican National Committee were guests on Meet the Press. By the way, the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee is white and the Chairman of the Republic National Party is black. The black man says that comments like this (free speech?) sets us back 50 years. Hmmmm, that is interesting coming from a black man who claims he was "raised on the streets of D.C." and is now the Chairman of the most conservative political party in the United States of America. Wow. I'm surprised there have not been riots on the floor of the U.S. Congress.

Obama has not necessarily made a lot of popular decisions, but drastic times take drastic measures. Hopefully, with some skill and another couple of years of time, he will get things turned around. Maybe if the Chairmen of the political parties did something constructive, other than bickering over comments made for the purposes of recording history, then we might see slight improvement in the overbloated, hot air problem in the US.

Awake now, I bet you are. Last, and probably a lot more interesting to some of you, is a link to a blog I follow, Zen Habits. This contains really really really simple steps to dieting. Half the battle to losing fat and being healthy is your diet. Happy New Year again and again.
http://zenhabits.net/2010/01/fitness-blogs/

Carpe diem!
Cyn

Introducing . . . the "I-Brain!"

2010-01-04T21:44:00.004-06:00

I hope The Knife Show has inspired you to succeed in every way this new year of 2010. It did me, with the exception of my actual blog about the knife show. My last blog stunk so much, I thought I would try and make up for it by writing an exciting new entry that was sure to entertain and please. Let me start by apologizing now.

See, it all starts while I am doing something really important, like washing the gray right out of my hair or polishing my nails. It's usually some mandatory task that is designed to make manufacturers of beauty products rich and me temporarily satisfied with my appearance. There is always a requirement as well that both hands be put to full use, thus leaving me unable to jot down and shre those great ideas that pop into my head. For example, while taking a shower you remember something important, and as you step out, it's lost in space forever, only to appear again in your subconscious dream of you on a motor cycle riding across the country, rich and free. Except when you wake up, the great idea, like the winning lottery numbers, escapes once again into thin air along with the motorcycle, never to be retrieved.

Which brings me to this rambling piece of blog, and back to an idea I have injected many times . . . that of a device to be implanted in our heads for moments such as these. Just think, while you are dying that beard, you might have an epiphany, and alas, you don't need to reach for a pen and paper, or even leave the confines of your bathroom, simply start recording. You can continue applying your ebony gue with a miniature comb to your facial hair and record away. So instead of worrying about the limited built in RAM currently provided in our cabazas (that is Spanish for "heads"), we can store as much as we want in words and images (up to a certain amount of megabytes of course.) My RAM is so limited that even if I was able to hold onto a moment of brilliance from the shower to a notepad, I would surely dump some other important file on the way, like the one containing my name.

I can see it now, Apple will surely be the first to develop it, and it will be called the "I-Brain!" It will come with proprietary software, contain 100 terabyte of storage, sized smaller than a dime, and be outrageously expensive. I can't wait.

In the meantime, here are some websites to keep your brain busy, or at least to entertain yourself: Maybe something will catch your eye.

For People who want to Shut off the Brain:
1. Chill out by listening to XM Chill on your satellite. Don't have it satellite? See number 3.

2. Move your neighbor's satellite in the middle of the night. hee hee, just kidding.

3. Pull up your iTunes on your computer and click on the radio icon on the left. iTunes software is free at http://www.itunes.com/, and so are the radio stations on iTunes.) Pick a genre of music you like. For example, "ambient". Pick a radio station, for example, "Chill". Sit on your couch and close your eyes. Don't turn on the TV, just sit and see how long you can shut your brain off. For those of you who cannot "shut it off" iTunes also has talk radio - for free!

4. Watch a movie on Joost, http://www.joost.com/. It's free! Yes, there are a few commercials, but the movie is uncut and the commercials are minimal (and the same volume).

5. Put up lights in your back yard, not just for 90 days, but permanently brighten it up. Who cares what the neighbors think, or what the UL recommends on Christmas lights.

Can't Shut it off?:
6. Use "the Google" to search yourself on the Internet. It's amazing what you will find.
7. Take free Spanish lessons on the Internet, http://www.123teachme.com/learn_spanish/beginner/

8. Do a crossword puzzle that is interactive, http://www.usatoday.com/ (go to games).

Ode to the brain power and have a great week!

The Knife Show and 'How to be Great' books

2009-12-14T22:43:00.013-06:00

The chaos of the season is over, and everyone can truly relax and slow down the production of cortisol. No more shopping, wrapping, fretting, blowing budgets, eating (sorry), and assembling. Now 'tis the season to relax and reflect, at least for those mere few days between the cleanup of destroyed wrapping paper and the last shot you take on New Year's Eve.

One of the things i like to do in this snippet of mandatory vacation from my employer is to observe, reflect and record. Since I have yet to develop a gadget to be implanted in my head that will record and regurgitate on command, I shall blog. Upon reflection, I often end up with a long list of things about myself that should, must or really really need to be improved.

Incredibly, the knife show had an allure similar to zen teachings that I believe will help me improve in 2010. Things I learned from the knife show:

1. If Tom O'Dell can sell knives, you can do anything!
2. Follow the Zen teaching of no resistance. Just go with the flow and practice acceptance, especially when there is nothing else on television but the knife show.
3. Some knives just do not want to be opened. Like uncooperative people, children or pets . . . just leave them alone.
4. Don't drink and play with knives, they are sharp and you will hurt yourself or others.
5. Last, have fun no matter what you are doing, even while watching the knife show.

Well, I can feel the improvement beginning already. If only I can get past something I saw while Christmas shopping. I came across a couple of books that shocked me. Offending me is not easy, but what I found really got to me. The reason, because what I saw pointed out everything I am not . . . the perfect girl.

What I found sitting on a shelf in a store were two books, side by side, just like a man and woman would walk through life. One was blue and one was pink. The blue book was entitled The Boys' Book of Greatness, Even More Ways to be the Best at Everything. The pink book was entitled The Girls' Book of Glamour, A Guide to Being a Goddess.

There is clearly something wrong with this picture. Why can't girls be great? Why do boys have to be the "best" at everything? Are they also the best at decorating, cooking, being pretty? Probably, since men design clothing, makeup and have crazy cooking shows.

What are we teaching girls? Have the sisters of the bra-burning days taught us nothing? Are we all supposed to be dumb airheads only to be seen by boys as objects? What about the boys that want to actually engage in an intellectual conversation with girls and all of a sudden we have nothing to add?

I'm no Goddess, and never will be, but I feel better now that I have reflected. Of course, my list of improvements just expanded and I don't think the knife show is going to help me.

I do hope everyone has a wonderful new year with much success and happiness.

Carpe Diem!

Another Way to Look at War

2009-12-10T22:10:00.005-06:00

College football is not quite over yet, and we are all waiting here in the south to see if UT can do it. But as I surf around and arrange my own professional fantasy football team, I can't help but notice all of the news about the recent actions in the White House. The decision to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, the potential decision to move into Pakistan, the recent massacre in Iraq, the trials of terrorists in New York, etc. It all makes me wonder why we do, as a nation, what we do in other countries.

Why do we spend our time, our lives, our money, and sometimes our freedom to help other countries? And can you really say we are helping? I wonder this every day driving to work and listening to to the reports from overseas. Listening to the slaughter of troops from around the world attempting to free a country of tribal struggles. How did this all of a sudden become our problem?

Then I read a story about Angelina Jolie's opinion of President Obama. Apparently he has not lived up to her expectations when it comes to yet another foreign country, Sudan. The death toll is gruesome, and there is not much hope there. I'm not sure what Obama is supposed to do, but whatever it is, he has not done it.

As all of the problems of the world swirl around on the airwaves for every American to see and hear, I again wonder why we are expected to care? And it finally came to me . . . because we can and because we should. Wouldn't America want the same in return if the shoe was on the other foot? I can promise you if I were wearing a sari and breaking rocks on the side of the road all day in 100 degree temps with absolutely no end in site, I would pray for any kind of salvation. Whether it be from a soldier or death, it would be better than breaking rocks with only death to look forward to. This is the bleak outlook of hundreds of thousands of people in different parts of the world.

The world is full of atrocities. And maybe it is not up to America to impose our democratic system and values on every single country, but it is in our best interest to help when asked and where we can. Impossible? Maybe. But there are so many solutions, you just have to keep trying until you get it right. Or at least that is what you do if you are a super power.

It's mind boggling, and what we can hope for is that in our lifetime, we will never need this kind of assistance from another country!

Carpe Diem.

It's College Football Season!!

2009-11-21T15:33:00.007-06:00

That means lots of great football, mascots and packed stadiums. I will confess, I never understood the attraction of college football, and certainly never thought I would write about it. I'm starting to get it, sort of. The football is more exciting because the game is faster and there are more big plays. The fans are fanatical just like pro football fans. But college football fans are louder and prouder somehow. Let me describe: No empty seats, a live college band, everyone wearing team colors, and all kinds of things flying in the air including cheerleaders.

I'm still wondering about one thing, what happens to these people after college? Okay, a small percentage of football players go to the pros. Others graduate with useful business degrees and do something with their lives. And the rest end up in jail-just kidding. The fans move on or purchase space to tailgate every week. But what do the male cheerleaders do? Do you ever think about that? They have spent four years throwing girls around, looking up their skirts and screaming into super-sized megaphones.

I couldn't stand it, I had to do some research on male cheerleaders. I had to start with the query of what makes them want to become a cheerleader in the first place? Are they gymnasts or perverts? "The Google machine" and of course my all time favorite "Wiki" gave me the answers I sought.

First, you have to first want to become a college cheerleader before we can find out what happens to them after college. Did they get kicked off the soccer team or something? Second, they have to be athletic and strong because they have to be able to throw girls around and make pyramids. Last, they have to face the stigma and labeling. Other than that, I'm not sure there are a lot of other qualifications.

I found scholarships and coed cheer leading camps for guys. Wow, never knew such a thing existed. More interesting I found a science school blog called "Serendip" that claims cheerleading is a sport. (George, what do you think, sport or not?) We have previously debated as to whether NASCAR is really a sport. And I am reminded that clearly there is a winner and losers in NASCAR. What about cheer leading? If your team wins does that mean you are a better cheerleader? Is the physical demand in cheerleading more intense than NASCAR? I digress.

Since "serendip" is not a word but the name of a college newsletter, and serendipity means "by accident" or "good luck", then I have decided it is by accident that males become cheerleaders in the 21st century. In fact as I sit here, I'm watching the LSU v. Ole Miss game, and their are some guys on the cheer leading squad that look like they should be sitting in a dorm room in a lazy boy with cigarette burns drinking a six pack of Miller High Life and eating Doritos. You might even throw in some Taco Bell at midnight. So I'm finding it hard to believe this is a true athletic sport. I'm throwing it into the NASCAR category of sports that may not really be a sport.

Last, cheerleading was actually created by men. Specifically, it was a pep club started at Princeton in the 1920's by men. But starting a pep club hardly requires athletic prowess.

So what happens to male cheerleaders after college? Maybe they become male singing telegrams or motivational speakers. I have yet to find any information on what happens to a male cheerleader after college. Mystery unsolved and another alleged sport "un-designated" as a real sport.

Carpe Diem!

Reasons my boyfriend will not talk to me

2009-11-13T21:57:00.005-06:00

Listen up gals and guys - this is a mini crash course in women are from venus and men are from mars - or whatever the name of that book is.

Some people, not just women, like to talk. Nowadays there is a variety of virtual outlets for people to get it all out. For example, Facebook, Myspace, YouTube and much more. In fact, this subject warrants a separate blog on another day, including appropriate manners while on one of these networking websites. It's more like being in an internet bar 15 minutes before closing time. Everyone's high from instant messaging and wondering who is going to take them home tonight.

However, here, now, tonight while I sit in a swanky hotel in the middle of downtown Chicago, I'm going to provide my very own Top 10 (or 9 or 11) reasons why my boyfriend wants me to stop talking. Maybe we can all learn from this.

No. 10 - He's watching football. It doesn't matter what I say, if it does not include the word "football" I might as well talk to myself.

No. 9 - He's watching baseball. Id.

No. 8 - It's Sunday and football is about to start. Need I say more.

No. 7 - It's 5 minutes until noon on Sunday and he has to set up his fantasy football team (s), and he does not have time to get into a conversation or debate about the latest store at the mall.

No. 6 - He never wants to hear about the mall, no matter what day of the week or what time it is. (Yes, there is more substance to him than just football.)

No. 5 - He's had a long day and is hungry. Oh wait, as long as there is food involved, he will listen.

No. 4 - It's time to go to sleep. Oh wait, he's snoring, guess I can go back to talking to the wall now.

No. 3 - At the gym. When he's lifting something that is 5 times his weight, he definitely does not want to hear about my best friend's melodrama.

No. 2 - When I'm stepping out of the shower. Talking is definitely not going to be on his mind, but no matter what I say, he will think its great.

No. 1 - Did I mention while watching a football or baseball game, or any other sporting event for that matter?!

Just remember, there is always space available for free on the Internet where you can talk all day. You will not be interrupting anyone, blocking a football game on TV, or keeping anyone awake.

Carpe Diem!

Do You Use Sayings? You should read this!

2009-11-01T10:24:00.007-06:00

Do you ever notice that we all use sayings to make a point or appear knowledgeable? Do we really know what they mean? Mindlessly, we agree with the saying, and move on.

It all started this morning while I was standing in the kitchen deciding whether to cook breakfast or be lazy and go to Sol's Taco Lounge. EV said, "The world is our oyster." We looked at each other, and he said "What does that really mean?" I thought about it, and my reply was "if the oyster closes, we're screwed!" Isn't there a scary movie, like the Killer Oyster under the Sea . . . or some ridiculous version of that story? What does "the world is your oyster" mean?? Oysters are so small?

I moved on and decided to create my own breakfast. I started by browning Italian sausage, whipping half a dozen eggs, milk and cheese. Then I stuck it all in a pie pan and baked it for 15 minutes on 375. Then I served it with toasted rustic Italian bread. Not sure what to call it but it was delish!!

Then I thought about one of my favorite cooking shows. I found it on the Internet to show EV. The chef is a beautiful, thin Italian woman. Thus, making me think of the saying "never trust a skinny chef." Now who said that? I think that saying should be banned at this point. Maybe skinny chefs don't cook with trans fats? What is Paula Dean gonna' do when they outlaw butter? Holy cow!

"A stitch in time saves nine." This just needs to be reworded. Maybe this works: "Address it now, or you will waste a lot of time later." Okay, it doesn't rhyme, but it makes sense.

"He who has it not in his head must have it in his feet." This was said by Ben Franklin. I actually had to get an explanation of this saying, but many of you reading this are so smart that I'm sure you have it figured out.

Here are some others that are arcane, although we often understand what they mean:
"Stop beating around the bush." What was this person beating? Why didn't they just say, "get to the point."
"Mind your Ps and Qs." What was P and Q doing? Were they on a crime spree?

Then EV made a really good point. For a lot of trite sayings there is a controverting trite saying. for example:
"He who hesitates is lost," but you are supposed to "look before you leap." For the love of God what am I supposed to do?

There are thousands of sayings and proverbs, so I leave you with my favorite saying, "If you break your leg, don't come running to me." It's so very simple but yet funny. If Foghorn Leghorn knew me, he would say, "You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head."

If you have a crazy saying that is unintelligible, let me know and we will blog about it!

Health Care and Halloween

2009-10-22T13:27:00.005-05:00

Happy Halloween. The State Fair of Texas is over, so is the Red River Shoot Out between OU and UT, and hopefully all the rain is gone for a few days. I think Houston may have sunk below sea level last week from all the rain. I decided to try and get caught up with national news and I see everyone is still blabbing about the Obama Health Plan. It reminded me of Halloween - includes lots of hidden meaning in a costume or flashy mask and unknown treats.

I am not versed in the Obama plan, I just know that what I have heard so far is not all horrible and gory and includes options. Personally, I pay an outrageous amount of money every month (as do many of your employers) for insurance. The cost I pay is higher than what a very overweight smoking male counterpart would pay. Crazy!

But I'm not bitter, just want to be more educated about the health care issues. For years, I worked in law firms that represented wealthy insurance companies. I have often asked my employers why the government did not put controls on how insurance companies do business. A good example is simply paying your monthly premium, going to the doctor for a cold, and having to pay 80% of your visit any way because the insurance company decided they no longer cover the common cold in your State! Again, a bit of an exaggeration, but I wager a bet that most of us have experienced something similar with our own insurance. Although health care reform may not be the fix of all insurance dilemmas, it sure seems like a good start.

I see some downsides to the plan, as do many Republicans; but I also see some really good options and movement in the right direction. One downside is the potential for no more fault of the health care providers. Not good if you are a medical malpractice lawyer. Score 1 for the elephants. The other downside is the pressure it will put on small businesses, whom I have always been employed by. One more for the elephants. The upside is the ability for millions of people like me to afford decent insurance that will actually pay for something and is not a complete waste of money and time. A healthier America, is a better America, one that works. Score 1 for the Donkeys. I could go on all night, but I need to go polish my nails. I guess we will not know the affects until we give it a try. Kind of like Iraq and Afghanistan.

Okay, that was a low blow. In any event, I include two links with information to make you a more informed American. Hope all is well, and you stay far away from ghouls, ghosts and H1N1. Yikes!

The first link is actually the bullet points of Obama's plan whether you have insurance or you do not. And for those whose companies are cutting back, you should read this, it might affect you later.

http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/hcsignon/?source=OM_LB_google_HC-search_O-search_tc&gclid=CNOG7cjB2Z0CFQ8MDQodHC4_rA

For all the women in your life, and yes, even if you are a guy you should care, here is an interesting article. Check it out, especially if you have ever been denied insurance coverage, including coverage for certain things, like maternity coverage, or you have no insurance coverage.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/usnews/20091021/ts_usnews/whywomenshouldpushforhealthcarereform;_ylt=Au9KS9uzU8vZFoium6gLGXdv24cA;_ylu=X3oDMTNjOHEwbzJnBGFzc2V0A3VzbmV3cy8yMDA5MTAyMS93aHl3b21lbnNob3VsZHB1c2hmb3JoZWFsdGhjYXJlcmVmb3JtBGNwb3MDNgRwb3MDNgRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA3doeXdvbWVuc2hvdQ--

Is Working as a Paralegal Really that Exciting?

2009-10-03T16:29:00.006-05:00

To answer the question, I take pleasure in sharing a short diary of events from last week's Arbitration in South Texas. It took an army of people working long hours seven days a week for many weeks to prepare for a five day arbitration, four of them spent on location near Harlingen. I attended with my boss and an associate attorney, and sent nightly and daily e-mails to the team back in Dallas. Some of the names have been changed. Hope you enjoy it!

Weslaco, Texas - Day 1
Well, I can honestly say I already do not like opposing counsel. I think he was the one who picked the rat hole we are all staying in. Phillip (the associate attorney) and I will surely have pneumonia from the mold and lack of sleep and Peter (the big boss) will have lung cancer (but you already knew that). This hotel is just one very small notch above the isolated moldy bunker I stayed in on the OU campus. Actually, they are about even. My bed actually looks like a salad bowl.

Our luggage and boxes finally arrived. The boxes actually arrived in their own "body bags," from Southwest Airlines. They were disintegrated from getting wet somewhere along the trip! My suitcase had a broken jar in it that I had to dump out and part of it fell on the carpet. When I cleaned the carpet, the white towel turned brown. ewe.

It's now 2 am and I'm trying to download a trial version of Adobe because remote access is slow. But all is well in the Rio Grande Valley. Wish us luck tomorrow. If Peter calls looking for me PLEASE call 911 because I might be dead. I feel like I am in the sequel to "No Country for Old Men!"

(just poking fun at everything and wanted a good laugh)
See ya

Weslaco, TX - Day 2
The opposing party is a big Santa Clause looking gringo with a mullet (a really long one) and a full beard and mustache. I guess they didn't realize the 80's were over in South Texas. Their expert is an older gentleman with a bad pinstriped suit on. He's so tan that his white hair and teeth glow. He looks like Bob Barker from The Price is Right. The second witness, John, is wound tighter than a drum and used to work for Santa Clause. He seems hostile to both parties, can't figure him out. Tomorrow the arbitrator is going to allow him to say whatever he wants. I want to record this. He has a mullet too.

Steve, another one of their witnesses, was a nervous wreck, and after each answer would look to Joe Bob for approval. Interesting interaction. And . . . yes, he has a mullet as well.

Our client, Rolando, is a very reserved Hispanic man. His hair is always perfect, jeans are always pressed, and he is very polite. We have two experts as well, really smart men who are helping us out.

More later.

Later Day 2
Shhhhh, its only 11:20 pm, and I'm actually back in my room. I'm hunkering down with the lights off just in case Peter knocks on my door and wants to work. (Just kidding) At dinner, Peter told Phillip he can do the direct examination of our expert . . . . tomorrow! Phillip probably won't go to bed because he will stay up and prepare all night. He is doing really well!

Joe Bob (the opposing party) still has really pretty hair, I'm wondering how he gets the wings in the front to feather so well. Still need his secret, my hair looks like a Brillo pad. It is really humid here!

Tonight I snuck into the hotel bar to see what kind of action was going on there. There was Big Tom's karaoke (a big Harley lookin' dude singing country), and a couple of lonely women at the bar. Eeeeeekkkk. Then I checked out the hot tub our expert has been raving about. I was worried about a disease, so I opted for the patio next to the pool. The pool actually has a locked fence around it so all I can do is look at it. Unfortunately, the table of people next to me found a tic! So now I'm back in my room wondering what has caused the carpet to be so sticky.

Well, more tomorrow. Good night.

Weslaco, TX - Day 3
Mid day update today. This place is so gross there are mosquitoes in our conference room. The good news is we are going to end this big brew ha ha tomorrow with the last two people to testify as Joe Bob and then Rolando (our reserved, quiet client). Hmmmm.

Chuck (one of our experts who thought he would have time to golf of swim) is exhausted from sitting all day. He said his room stinks badly. I told him there was probably a dead body under his bed.

Ok, back to arbitration. Keep you posted.

Weslaco, TX - Day 4
We are sitting here with Rolando practicing direct examination. Peter thinks we've got our story now. I think I have lung cancer and tics. (If you haven't figured it out, Peter smokes . . . a lot.) Poor Rolando, he is exhausted as well. He actually has a hair out of place! Phillip can't even remember his own name and he has a calculator in his hand.

Too much work to do because I have been working off of one of about 500 versions of Rolando's direct examination, and of course, the wrong one.

Toodles.

STILL in Weslaco, TX - Day 4 (Beginning of Day 5)
It is now 12:15 am. Not sure when we are going to stop. Peter finally took a break after Rolando almost fell asleep. I hope he doesn't go into a diabetic coma on his way home. That would be a major drag after all the work you all have done!

I took five minutes to go change my clothes. I put my pajamas on, but Peter still is not taking the hint. Phillip is outside doing jumping jacks while Peter takes another smoke break. I hope he runs out of cigarettes soon so that I can sneak off to my room and fall asleep while he is making a run to the gas station. Wishful thinking. He just bought two packs after dinner, but I think he is close!

Phillip has also now taken up the habit of chewing ice. Now I have two of them. Maybe one of them will need emergency dental service in the next 15 minutes. More wishful thinking. Okay I'm cracking myself up so I better go.

Wish us luck tomorrow, opposing counsel will probably be going in for the kill.

STILL Day 4 (Beginning of Day 5)
Well it is now 12 minutes after my last e-mail, and I'm still in Peter's hotel room. We have fashioned a conference room table out of spare tables in each of our rooms. He is reading Joe Bob's deposition and highlighting his highlights.

The printer that was provided to us for use prints about 1 page per 5 minutes, on a good day. It stays under the table across the room from the opposing party during the arbitration. I started printing a brief at the beginning of their cross examination of Chuck. They got perturbed and asked me to stop. hee hee, that was fun.

Have I mentioned I have about 100 e-mails from Colleen, Peter's wife and law partner? They are all e-mails about case law and briefing. I'm going to report them as spam.. . .(just kidding).

Got to get back to work, no more pretending.

Weslaco, TX - Day 5
As you all know, we are sitting at the airport. I couldn't get to the bar fast enough. I couldn't sleep from the excitement of packing, I took my suitcase to breakfast with me. Chuck didn't come to breakfast this morning, I think he was exhausted just from sitting all day.

Today was extremely busy. Joe Bob took the stand as usual. He had an orange shirt on to match his red hair. Picture a large man with a very large pressed orange shirt, jeans, small white tennis shoes, and a flowing mullet. It reminds me of a deformed Rubik's cube.

Even better, while Peter was cross-examining Joe Bob, he would scoot his chair closer and closer to Joe Bob. At one point Peter's chair hooked onto the extension cord that had every single piece of peripheral equipment plugged in the room and took it all down. I don't think he had a clue. I thought perhaps he was going to actually share a chair with Joe Bob, but then Joe Bob's lawyers had to ruin all the fun and told Peter to quit touching their client! Party poopers. I think I'm going to miss Joe Bob.

We got moved from our conference room to the "VIP" room on Thursday night. It has wood paneling and a screen. The screen costs extra. Please! By lunch time the court reporter was sick from the cigarette smoke that was coming into the "VIP" room from last night's karaoke festivities. I'm convinced the hotel is reselling our box of bottled water and batteries that came up missing after the first day.

Here's how the rest of the day went. At lunch, Peter headed straight for a table by the pool, highlighter, lighter and cigarettes all in hand. Phillip followed. As they debated hard, I went to Subway with the Court Reporter who is so confused she thought this was an insurance case. Upon my return and while trying to eat a salad, I had to retrieve another highlighter for Peter.

As we are sitting there, our client shows up, sits down and quietly says, "everything is suspended." Peter continues to feverishly circle, box and write on every square inch of paper within 50 feet of him. (better not leave anything that resembles paper around .... shew).

Phillip and I stared at our client as we tried to comprehend what he just said. Rolando repeated it three times before we realized what he meant. the next thing you know him and Santa Clause are hugging. For the love of God, you let your client go to lunch and the next thing you know there is a settlement. Damn, we didn't even get to finish the cross-examination of Joe Bob Santa Clause!

Got to go, Peter is cross-examining me again over yet one more fact I have gotten wrong. See you soon.

C

FANTASY FOOTBALL = CHRISTMAS

2009-09-13T17:24:00.008-05:00

Apparently for millions of men around the United States today is Christmas, or at least according to my boyfriend when he announced that yesterday, Saturday, September 12, 2009 was Christmas Eve. I already know that September 1st is the beginning of dove hunting season, and the killing of Bambis all over the US starts sometime in December (I think), so I couldn't figure out what he meant by "Christmas."

To celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend, I endured an entire day of screaming and tribal dancing by my boyfriend as he watched 100 football games at once and managed about 15 fantasy football leagues online. On one side of the couch was my boyfriend, 5 remotes, a laptop computer and his cell phone, which was almost on fire from texting. It was the beginning of football season, and with that comes fantasy football, the mother of all mother fantasy sports games.

Christmas, to a guy, (when it is not really Christmas) is a time when guys everywhere go to their proverbial treehouse to play their secret games. In simple terms for you ladies, "it's a guy thing."
On behalf of ladies around the country, I have attempted to delve into the underground world of fantasy sports, but have not advanced too far. I ask questions, watch football, peek at the computer, and act interested, but rarely do I get a glimpse into the fantasy team play that abounds and clogs up the internet on Christmas day.

I have pondered whether there are fantasy sports leagues designed for and only for women? What would we bet on? Who has the best colors on their uniforms, the cutest butt, the best mascot? I can see the magazine now, Fantasy Sports for Her! It would contain big colorful pictures of team logos next to an add for Activa yogurt. For now, girls are relegated to finding other activities outside of the house on Sundays and Monday nights. I think that is how Bunko was invented.

But today, for Christmas, I sit on one end of the couch with the dogs and the cat, and watch with a blank look on my face waiting for the light bulb to actually turn on. After a full day of watching the constant play between the cell phone, the computer and the television, I still do not get the fascination, but I guess part of it has to do with the fact that girls are not allowed.

I have to go now, I have to make fun of the cheerleaders!

Carpe Diem

TOP 10 MOVIE LIST(S)

2009-07-10T20:04:00.005-05:00

Today at work, we celebrated a co-worker's (and friend's) birthday. The law partners (and married couple) decided that we should have breakfast in the conference room. It was quite a spread including white cake decked with whip cream and strawberries, loads of berries, tubs of yogurt and granola. Don't worry, my boss also provided breakfast tacos from Whataburger for those of us who are not on a diet, hunger strike, or vegetarians.

As we were sitting around the table, we were each asked what our favorite movie was. For a lot of us, it's hard to pick just one. In fact, for years now, I have had at least two, if not three, top ten lists of my favorite movies. The movies picked by each person were truly unique to their personality. There were movies about great warriors, romance, westerns, old classics, dark suspense and true life stories. It was across the board. Surprisingly, one person had never seen The Wizard of Oz. I guess that should not be strange, since I have never seen Star Wars or ET.

Some of my favorite books are listed on this blog. It's only fair that we share our favorite movies. Below are my two "top-ten" movie lists. Maybe you have seen some, maybe not. If not and you are interested but afraid, call me and I'll talk you into the craziest or at least, most entertaining movie you have ever seen. They are not all "dark suspense" films which are my favorite. I am a big fan of the Cohen Brothers, and one of the movies not listed, "Burn After Reading" is one of their best! You will not wish for those two hours of your life back, like the time I watched that really stupid movie about Zach and Miri trying to make a porno.

Let me know what your favorites are, I would love to add them to the blog! Susi, I already know yours, "Purple Rain."

Top-Ten A-List:

1. True Romance
2. Usual Suspects
3. Pulp Fiction
4. The Hangover (2009)
5. American Beauty
6. Reservoir Dogs
7. No Country for Old Men
8. Killing Zoe
9. Run Lola Run
10. Jackie Brown
11. A Day Without a Mexican
12. Slumdog Millionaire
13. Burn After Reading

I know it is more than ten, and it may even make it to 20 one day.

Top B-List:

1b. Raising Arizona
2b. Taxi Driver
3b. Glengarry Glen Ross
4b. The God Father (Please, who doesn't love this movie!!)
5b. Girl Interrupted
6b. Erin Brockovich
7b. There’s Something About Mary
8b. Schindler’s List
9b. Blood Simple
10b. U-Turn
11b. Kill Bill
12b. Pieces of April
13b. 11:14

I even have a reserve list with some great movies on it. So if you are looking for something different let me know. There are so many good ones and so little time!!

Carpe Diem

IS IT REVENGE OF THE WIERDOS?

2009-06-28T22:36:00.003-05:00

Lately, all I have been motivated to do is trim bushes and clean out closets. This weeks series of weird incidents has awakened my creative juices. Sure, the big fat Italian wedding in San Antonio was fun despite the 100 degree weather, and I could spend time writing about politics; but nothing beats the fact that Ryan O'Neal still didn't get around to exchanging vows with Farrah Fawcett before her long struggle with cancer finally ended. Maybe his little visit to jail for DWI a couple of months ago deterred him. Nice move.

Not only was Farrah duped out of a wish to marry her long time on again off again lover and father of her child(ren), she was also shoved right out of the limelight by the biggest weirdo of them all, Michael Jackson. Yes, he is king of the weirdos, but he is also the king of pop iconville. Red leather jackets, silver gloves, Pepsi commercials, Thriller and moon walking. And, in a weird way, so many people connected with his music at various times in their lives. It helped provide me with an outlet during a bad time, giving me something to talk to about with my Dad of all people. He made a splash on MTV and actually gave people insight in the making of music videos. In fact, there is an entire prison population in the Philippines that re-created the Thriller video (as well as thousands of other people around the World).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o
Yes, a weirdo, and yes he stole the limelight from Farrah, but he is the King of Pop. Anybody want to go to Neverland?

And poor Ed McMahon. The saddest part about his death is that he was forced to do infomercials to earn a living. I would want to die too. (just kidding).

Speaking of infomercials, the king of infomercials, the God of pitchmen, the OxiClean mega mogul, Billy Mays died suddenly and unexpectedly. When my boyfriend told me that Mays was a passenger on a US Air flight which, the day before, had experienced a blowout upon landing, I immediately thought that he likely hit his head. We shall see.

I'm glad the week is over, and I'm sure a lot of other people living in Hollywood are too! I promise, my next blog will be a bit more upbeat.

Carpe Diem!

A Big Fat Italian Wedding

2009-06-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time for another wedding. No . . . not mine . . . but my niece. It's going to be fun. The wedding is taking place in San Antonio at the beginning of the sweltering Texas summer. In fact, the further south of the Red River you go, the hotter it is. You don't have to worry about your brain melting either, because you have to worry about your entire body melting. To put it a little simpler, Dallas is about 400 miles north of San Antonio. It will be about 98 degrees every day this week in Dallas. In San Antonio, it will probably be a few degrees hotter plus 90% humidity. So as you are feeling your brain melt, you have to keep peeling your pants off of your sweaty thighs.

At least there are sights to see in San Antonio. Unfortunately, most of them are outdoors, like Sea World, The Alamo (parts of which are inside), and the River Walk. To bad we can't all take a dip with Orca. That might turn out well.

The great news is the wedding is indoors. And I believe there is actually a mall built around the church. This is going to be great. An hour long mass, wine and shopping. What more can a Catholic ask for. How could I possibly forget. We still need a kickin' reception with lots of food, more wine, and dance trains. Yes! My feet are killing me already.

Let's not forget the guest lineup, we have a 98 year old grandmother from Florida, a crazy cousin and Aunt from New York, and neighbors straight from the motherland, Italy. I'm wondering who is going to trip and fall first. Hopefully not me.

I'll post pictures.

TV Commercials

2009-05-21T22:02:00.005-05:00

It's 10:00 p.m. and according to my new diet book, I shouldn't be drinking alcohol or watching television before bedtime. Instead, I'm having a glass of wine, sitting on the floor in front of my laptop, and watching bad WE TV. (The Women's Network Television.) Tonight's feature is Thelma & Louise. I can hear all the men gasping as they read this. But this is not about Thelma & Louise or retribution by women. It's about the myriad of painful and lengthy television commercials they show while they cut out pieces of the movie. And for those smart asses with a solution, NO, I don't have a DVR, so I am one of the few that sits through tons of horrid commercials because if I am watching WE TV on the floor with a glass of wine, I am entirely too lazy to get up or change the channel.

In fifteen minutes I am told about how to control my period, fix my wrinkles, where to buy the best ink for my printer, how to get rid of more wrinkles, where I should meet the mate of my life, what to do if I have athlete's foot, heartburn or arthritis, and where to shop for clothing and shoes. Oh let's not forget that I should eat fake butter that tastes like plastic as opposed to maybe eating real butter and just limiting it. Oh I also need to learn to do laundry more efficiently, and as if I didn't have enough to do, I can log on to WE TV and sign up for lots of free shit.

Of course, despite the fact that I had moved on from productivity on my laptop, I still could not stop watching Thelma & Louise, so I hung on and endured more bad television commercials. With that comes more info on how to save myself from my fat self by not eating any more, and then, if and when I decide to binge eat, which hot dogs are the best. Those are "Hebrew National" hot dogs. I didn't know Hebrews even ate hot dogs! I'm so confused I don't know whether to starve myself to skinny or eat an entire package of all natural hot dogs with no beef fillers.

By the end of the movie, I have now made a list of several things I need to do. I need to call everyone I know and tell them I love them, get my prescription glasses updated, brush my teeth, color my hair, purchase wrinkle cream from three different manufacturers, buy tanning lotion, comfortable tampons, and to get my employees everything they need like a color printer, insurance, a new chair, a Dell computer, and an F*n happy face for their desk!

Now that my list is three pages, I am entirely stressed out and definitely in no shape to fall asleep. I need to get wart medicine just in case any way!

My all time favorite Quote!

"She's a world-class racehorse. She's not going out for Cosmopolitans in four Jimmy Choos." Jason Gay for The Wall Street Journal.

Great Sports? and Gandhi

2009-05-18T09:57:00.009-05:00

The Sports section of The Wall Street Journal (that's an oxymoron!) highlights a fantastically written article about three spotlight-hogging athletes: Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez and Calvin Borel?? More than likely, you have heard of at least two, but if not, here's a reminder:

Kobe Bryant, L.A. Laker NBA star, whose career was almost derailed by a sexual assault allegation (surprise); A. Rod, a famous NY Yankee ball player earning $275 Mil a year (that's in Millions) former Texas Ranger, boo hiss; and Calvin Borel, the Cajun horse jockey who has now won two of the three most famous and watched horse races every year, on two different horses.

The crux of the story highlights the success of Calvin Borel, a 42-year old daredevil. In humorous fashion, Jason Gay, the writer provides a look into crazed Americans who all of a sudden have noticed and swoon over Calvin. He states that Calvin could probably get Simon Cowell to remove his muscle shirt if Calvin merely stepped on stage and sang "Superfreak." Race analysts and Americans also made a big deal about the "filly" he rode to the finish. Everybody treated her as if it was Princess Di on her wedding day. She is beautiful, but reel it back in everyone. As Gay put it, "She's a world-class racehorse. She's not going out for Cosmopolitans in four Jimmy Choos." That is now my favorite quote!

What I really want to know though, is why did he switch horses?? But then again, are we still wondering why A. Rod left Texas for the Yankees?

Now for Gandhi, that's Sonia Gandhi I'm referring to. She is an Italian-born 62-year old woman of high intelligence who has a "shaky command of Hindi," according to The New York Times. To some, she is a modern day political genius who has managed to stay out of the limelight until now. You could equate Sonia to Karl Rove, the guy who has been described as "W"'s puppeteer. But I wouldn't want to do that since "W" was not the brightest star in the sky in terms of Presidents. Sonia is the President of India's Congress Party headquartered in New Delhi.

And why should we care way over here in the far West (or East depending on what side of India you are looking from)? Remember that these are the people we talk to when we have failed miserably at getting our Internet connected or forgot to pay the electric bill. It is people like Sonia Gandhi, her husband, who was assassinated, her father-in-law, and now her son, who have been successful in making India a better place. We need India and India needs America. We need countries with a population of 1.13 billion (soon to surpass China) that is full of bright colors, curry, techies and people that will make our Jimmy Choos. (Hee hee, just a joke folks.) Specifically, we should care about the people Sonia Gandhi gets elected since it loosens the control of the communist parties in India, and creates a country we can be friends with.

Below is a link to the The New York Times article about the success in India's recent election.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/18/world/asia/18india.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&exprod=myyahoo

(You may have to cut and paste the URL above.)

And just a quick note, "Jimmy Choo" is a designer of outrageously expensive shoes that only the Filly that won the Preakness can afford!

Last, for fun, check out the link to the most famous oxymorons added to my website links.

Cynthia

My "You Have Got to be Kidding" Post

2009-05-11T16:17:00.008-05:00

I started this blog for many reasons, but improving my writing skills was not one of them. In order to continue to annoy my blogsters, it became necessary to pay attention to my writing, and alas my blog has morphed into one long writing class. To help improve, I have to take time out to read . . . a lot! In reading, I try to be open-minded and sample a little bit of everything. Some of these samples are not very tasty. These include tacky mudslinging articles, any article about celebrities, and the beginning of the longest novel ever . . . Don Quixote. By page 85 I was experimenting with self-mutilation through paper cuts. That's a just a joke.

Today, I just happen to read the newspaper where the stories seemed to be more annoying than usual. And like most people, there are days where I just can't believe what is happening in the world. And, like most intelligent people, we have views and opinions about life in general. That is not to say we tell each other how we should live, but there are times when we want to! Since we all have those days where we are taken aback by stupid people and weird world events, I offer you an opportunity to let it all out without retribution. Here are a few topics that I was unfortunate to read about, especially when it came at me as a full-page newspaper ad.

1. Bristol Palin - Abstinence Spokesperson -- Really??? Her ex-boyfriend was quoted on Good Morning America saying something like "it will never work." I think he is right. There are pros and cons about the situation. On one hand, there is now an 18 year old beautiful girl telling other teen girls that having a baby is not easy! On the other hand, you have an 18 year old beautiful girl being carted around the country by her daddy and corporate sponsors to preach about abstinence . . . after the fact. Basically, do something stupid and become famous! Any comments?

2. David Feherty - CBS Sports golf analyst made an unfunny. He is known in the sports world for his quick wit, I guess. But apparently he recently wrote an unfortunate passage in a D Magazine article that drew the ire of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. I delete extraneous information in my quote:

" . . . if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy would get shot twice, and Harry and bin Laden would be strangled to death."

Apparently nobody laughed at this but me, even though I am a fan of Nancy Pelosi. Mr. Feherty has been a huge supporter of the troops, even visiting them on Thanksgiving in Iraq more than once. He has apologized for his comment. Did we lose our sense of humor in the 21st century? What is your thought?

3. Lobbyists, Lawyers and Detail Men - The lobby group seems to be taking a beating more than usual lately. Everyone thinks they are evil, and maybe they are a nose ahead of lawyers in the race to hell. However, I like to compare lobbyists to detail men. Detail men are the people that sell pharmaceuticals to doctors. They are the really attractive men and women that come into the doctor's office with plates of cookies and rolling bags full of drugs while you sit in the waiting room watching the clock. I am not a cheerleader for big pharmaceutical companies, but without these people, the doctor would have no idea what the new drugs do and how they can help (whether they are good or not). So, in some respects, they are a necessary evil. You don't want eye drops if you have hemmorhoids! Lobbyists have a similar utility. They are necessary because there is no way hundreds of legislators can possibly understand the purpose and consequences of thousands of bills. And with respect to lawyers, there is no way many of us would blaze our way through the judicial system without them. Questions, comments?

4. Last - The Easter Bunny - real or fake? I'm a devout believer, even though I did not get a big chocolate bunny this year. Maybe I doubted one too many times? How about you? Don't be an Easter Bunny hater.

Now, it's your turn. Can't wait to read your comments. Just click on the envelope at the end of the article and you can leave your comment anonymously. Let it all out!

The Guy-Friendly Wooden Indian

2009-04-24T15:10:00.006-05:00

What's so great about having my very own blog is I can change it up any time I want to, just like my hair, clothes, furniture layout . . .. And in an effort to always keep things interesting, change is important. This principle applies to any area of life. And, I would not have this blog if it were not for the excruciatingly slow moments in my life that I should be thankful for. I'm more thankful about the ability to change my underwear when I want. (Inside joke that only my mother would get).

Other than the internet, three newspapers, and some cheesy wall hangings, there is nothing interesting in my office. But for some reason when a man walks in the door, they find this office extremely interesting. They look at me, and then their eyes are immediately diverted to the corner of the room. Their faces light up and they stand up taller with a gaping mouth. Once their brains begin to register again, they exclaim, "Wow, that is cool!" And Vinny, don't deny it, you did the exact same thing. No, it's not a picture of a centerfold.

What makes all the men giddy when they visit is a very old, cracked, dried out Wooden Indian. (See picture below). I have yet to figure out the attraction. Women see him as a big waste of space, including me since my desk is right next him. He has not started talking to me yet, so I see no need for him to hang around.

Therefore, in an effort to make the day more lively, I offer to sell him every time a man comments on the great Wooden Indian in the office. I have been told that this would be a grave mistake and its owner does not want to part from him. I figured if the price is right, he won't mind. There was a delivery guy that actually considered the sale. I couldn't believe it. Now, each time I attempt to sell him the price goes up. It's well over $5,000. Recently, I took a peek at eBay's offerings of wooden indians. There were only two that measured up. He is about 7' tall you know. They were priced from $1,800 to $2,400. The Wooden Indian that peers over me all day is much nicer looking too.

I can't wait for the day that the owner walks in as the Wooden Indian is being wheeled off on a dollie as I enjoy the zeros written on a big fat check. Maybe then we can actually get a scanner for the office. Any takers?

Betting Online . . . Illegal or Not??

2009-04-22T16:44:00.010-05:00

Picture lots of beautiful women; some in slinky dresses and high heels, others covered in mud; all dawning large gaudy hats of every color, make and model. No, it's not a high-tone mud-wrestling match, it is of course, the Kentucky Derby's "Run for the Roses." Everything is there from the Millionaire's circle where the highly dressed women are draped in jewels and the mud covered women are having a blast sucking down Kentucky Whiskey in the infield.
After several mint juleps, placing your wagers based on colors of silks, and a good mud slinging competition, participants will watch the most exciting 2 minutes in sports history.

For those of us who do not own a purple silk tie, spats or a baby blue 18" brimmed hat with netting, we can still join in on the fun and place our bets. Yup, here's how and why.
1. Obtain a large HD plasma or LCD television
2. Make sure you have cable or dish
3. Log onto the Kentucky Derby website and place your bet!
http://www.kentuckyderby.com/2009/

According to the United States Code and the FBI's Website, betting online is illegal, UNLESS, and even though your state may not allow gambling, there is a carved out exception. For example, in Texas, gambling is illegal. In the United States, Internet gambling is illegal, highly illegal. BUT, Texas has an exception carved out specifically for horse racing. So does the United States.

Title 15, Chapter 57-Interstate Horseracing, Section 3001 et. seq. of the United States Code, allows wagering on horse racing in person or electronically. However, make sure your State allows pari mutuel wagers on horse racing as well. Both states, where the bet is placed and where the horse race is held, must allow wagering on horse racing.

So what if you are a fantasy league player??? In the words of Ryan Sechrest on American Idol . . . . YOU'RE SAFE! Or are you? According to the FBI's website on Internet Crimes, fantasy sports teams are legal, but I would defer to state law before you sign up for that fantasy league! Even better, check with your friendly neighborhood criminal defense lawyer before placing any wagers online!

Next week I'll give you my pick for the Derby win, the beginning of the triple crown; and an update of what the Supremes are up to in the form of a horse race! (I'm not talking about the singing group either).

Carpe Diem!

Random Stuff about sports, me and rock stars

2009-04-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

First, I want to announce that I now have an official follower on my blog! As Bon Scott of AC/DC once said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." (Say it in a drunken Australian accent.)

Next, I wanted to address my sports picks from my previous blog. Let's just say that I was smart not to bet real money.

1. Duke is out of the final four. Oh well, I only picked them because "Duke" is a cool name.

2. My tennis team, "The Gall" couldn't even beat a team from a home owner's association, oh wait, that was the only team we beat. But my partner and I created quite a stir on the court. (My "doubles" partner. Get your mind out of the gutter.) With gale force winds and temperatures below freezing, we took our final set to a tie break. Everyone was at the fence watching. It was a nail biter with lots of screeching and hollering. But we ultimately succumbed to defeat. (Bad team photo on my Facebook page.)

3. After NASCAR, I think I will stick to something I know, horse racing. The Kentucky Derby!

4. Sorry golf fans, I just can't hang.

And now for something completely different:

If that saying rings a bell and you are a Monty Python fan to the nth degree, check out http://pythonline.com. It's great. They even have a link to the Ministry of Silly Walks!

For More Interesting Random Stuff:

I have now become a campaign manager for someone running for city council of a small town. Fortunately, she has no opponent. Sheeeewwwww.

More interesting, Everett Newton, the Rock and Roll Attorney, and his band, Little Morphine Annie have now been selected to provide sound track music for a horror film. There will be a screening with the band to play a 20 minute set at the Studio Movie Grill in Addison, TX on June 18th at 7:00 pm. It will be horrific!!!!

Last, if you are looking for some trigger words for 2009, here you go:

Transparency (who are you kidding??)

Anti-Terror (uhhh? Couldn't we just use the word "nice?")

Conficker (If you know what this means, that may not be good)

Carpe Diem!

FINAL FOUR, 8 GAME PRO SETS AND NASCAR

2009-03-24T10:16:00.005-05:00

Although none of these things really sound that fun to me, they bring lots and lots of excitement for many, in fact millions! Even though I may not be as elated, I do feel the charge of energy from sports. Because of that, I bring you my predictions!

FIRST:

For the first time ever in my life, I am going to pick my prediction for the Final Four. This is a result of too many hours on the gym treadmill watching ESPN with no sound. Please forgive my lack of lingo knowledge. Here it goes:

Midwest: Michigan State

West: Missouri

East: Duke

South: North Carolina (this being my long shot)

To win it all: . . . . . . . DUKE!

SECOND:

8 Game Pro Set describes the tennis matches I will be playing on Saturday (not exciting to millions). I have no prediction whatsoever since this is the first time my teammates and I will play a tournament. It is a ladies only doubles match up between three teams. Unfortunately, we do not have matching outfits, but I think we will do well. Our team name is "The Gall," coming from our coach, so we don't have a clue what it means. We also are not familiar with a 7 point Coman tiebreak that we apparently have to play. Weeeeee. I predict we are scruffy enough to come out on top, or at least in the middle!

THIRD:

NASCAR! As I have written in the past, this is the number 1 spectator sport in America. Although NASCAR officials are whining about cash flow, they are still filling up the stands. I doubt that April 5th at the Texas Motor Speedway will be any different. I know my brothers will be contributing to the economic success of NASCAR. The one and only time I attended this race with my family, it poured like cats and dogs. The only car I saw on the track was a pace car going 20 mph to confirm it was raining. So, not having a lot of knowledge about NASCAR, here is my prediction:

CARL EDWARDS will win it all.

*These predictions are solely based on guessing.

Keep in touch and let me know what YOU think sports fans!

Osama Bin Laden v. Paris Hilton!

2009-02-17T22:25:00.018-06:00

Maybe someone has written about this already, but not me! This is one of those crazy thoughts I had while showering, except this time I happen to remember it a second time. In an effort to actually get my thoughts to my computer, I risked falling asleep in my bra without flossing my teeth.

Despite my bra and not flossing, I couldn't stop searching for that perfect word that describes Osama Bin Laden AND Paris Hilton. What word do you think of? "Egotistical?" How about "narcissistic?" I like the second word best. From http://www.dictionary.com/, I can now define the word, then I can connect it.

nar·cis·sism (när'sĭ-sĭz'əm) n.
1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See Synonyms at conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.

Who else would film themselves having sex, and stare at the camera the entire time. No, not your Jewish cousin, but Paris Hilton. (See 1 and 3 above.) Of course, who would film themselves in a cave claiming their the leader of Al Queda while the majority of the world desires his head on a platter. (See 2 above.)

The problem is that as a society too many people live vicariously through someone else's life. Sadly, some people live to read People magazine for their fill of Paris Hilton while others watch CNN endlessly feeding the need to know what rock Osama is living under. This feeds narcissism. What we really need to feed Paris and Osama is a cheese burger! (This fine tidbit of wisdom comes from a good friend, JT, and she is so right).

Because of being in the spot light in so many different ways, Paris and Osama strive to be elusive. They avoid the papparazzi and the military of various countries respectively. But for many Americans living vicariously, they are like a train wreck you can't stop watching. Thus once again, we fuel the fire of narcissism exhibited by two people that couldn't provide a more devestating impression to our future generations. (Train wreck analogy given by JT, again, thank you!)

Admit it, we all want them to go away, one way or another, but then we would actually have to live our own lives. What a shame.

Funny Career Stuff . . .

2009-02-09T11:41:00.012-06:00

Well, it was a nice couple of weeks off from blogging. I needed to catch up on my favorite blogs, and practice my writing skills, (in between work, happy hour, and my first tennis match!)

I also wanted to take a stab at discussing careers. Although I have had a successful career, I'm hardly qualified to give career advice. Of course, I can blast my charm onto your resume, brainstorm about jobs I'm not qualified for, or tell you to join a trade association. Those things are easy. Anything beyond that is strictly from experience.

Since my experience is from working in a small bubble inside a little larger bubble, I thought I would pass on a general idea that might, well, even turn out to be something quite fun for you to ponder. When I decided to make a career change, I listed qualities I possessed from my past career that would be useful for my new career. My list morphed into silliness in the form of stories. Not fiction, but stories of insane assignments handed down by borderline insane lawyers. So, along with my jejune career advice, here is a snippet of a story I ended up with. Not quality content for a resume or interview. Aside from offering absolutely no assistance to anyone in the way of career advice, I hope it at least causes a smile, laugh, and thoughts of your own crazy experiences.

"Playing Cards in an Oil Field"

Oklahoma is always a fun place to visit, especially if you are going to the horse races, a rattlesnake hunt, or visiting oil fields? Most of my time spend in Oklahoma was in my car driving up Highway 75 to the Indian Nation Turnpike where I liked to open up all four cylinders on the only stretch of 80 mph road I have ever visited in the US. I was usually headed to Tulsa. If you could make it to the Turnpike without getting a ticket, than the trip was a success. I took this trip every few months for years after my parents took up residency in Tulsa. I even made this trip in an old car with a broken speedometer for several years avoiding all police. Unfortunately, after I bought a new black sports car I was not so lucky. Over the next 15 years, my siblings and I would map out the hotspots and compare speeding tickets.

But I have fond memories of Oklahoma, like winning money at the races, watching my best friend get married outdoors between two barns in a cathedral wedding gown, and eating fried rattlesnake. Tastes like chicken! Not far behind all of those exciting experiences was a project I worked on for one of my employers. I do not remember the exact purpose of the document search, but I was sent out to an oilfield somewhere in Oklahoma to comb through thousands of greasy, nasty carbon copies of invoices related to oil well management. Oh, did I mention the mean girls sent me out there?

I dutifully traveled to OK and found the oilfield and the building. The office was a small building that could serve many purposes, including stabling farm animals, and was literally in the middle of an oilfield. In the building was a small office housing some old filing cabinets stuffed full of papers. And again, I don't remember what I was looking for at the time, but you could picture a young suburban girl digging through files of old carbon invoices that were originally filed by a roughneck who just finished a 12-hour shift on a derek.

The office was hot, dirty, and clearly no cleaning service had stepped into this building in a very long time. As the invitee, I was very gracious for the space I was given. I was not hounded nor was I helped. I was certain there was a snickering attorney back in Dallas that was proud of him or herself for making our firm perform this horribly filthy search in 100-degree weather in the middle of an oilfield in Oklahoma!

By lunchtime, I was about sick of digging through carbons. My hands were black, I was hot and I was hungry. I was also not the only one experiencing these same symptoms, the oilfield workers were greasier, hotter and hungrier. The small office I was working in doubled as a quaint kitchen that had never seen a cleaning product. It contained a sink (somewhere in there), an abused microwave, an even older and more abused coffee maker, a Formica table from the 60's, and a very greasy deck of cards.

As each worker came in for lunch, they sat down at the table. Mysteriously there was no food, only cold drinks. I was puzzled and wondered who the hell was using the microwave? Why are they not hungry? What is wrong with me, I'm starving? The answer to my first and second question was they were all jacked up on caffeine from the bad coffee maker and coke machine in the barn. The rest made sense with one simple word - poker. A good poker game was far more interesting than eating.

What I observed was four guys sitting around the Formica table, grabbing poker chips and dealing a very greasy deck of cards. As they are dealing and placing bets, I hear "Do you want to join us?" I look over my shoulder, than over at them stunned. Did they really want me to bust into their lunchtime poker game? Seriously? Why not, so I accepted the offer and took my seat in the metal chair with the stuffing hanging out. (It was the only chair with a cushion).

I will admit I was a little nervous because my poker skills did not advance past camping around the living room with my brothers and parents playing black jack out of desperation for entertainment. It never got more serious than a nickel bet. When it was my turn to deal at the oilfield, the deck was so greasy that I could barely shuffle the cards. I wanted to make sure I shuffled them well because I would have hated to be accused of cheating. By the end of several hands, my fingers were sticking together.

After 30 minutes of playing cards, shooting the bull, and laughing, the workers laid down their cards, graciously thanked me for joining them, wished me well, and disappeared back into the oilfield. They were some of the nicest guys I ever met. The joke was on the fools who sent me on this task.

When I arrived back in Dallas, I immediately went to the store and bought a deck of cards. Not just any deck either. I bought my new acquaintances a deck of cards with pictures of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders pictured on them and mailed the cards the next day. A few days later, a lawyer called to tell us how much the workers loved their new deck of cards! Who knows, maybe they are still using those same cards today? Eeeewww.

Things you Never Think About

2009-01-21T16:00:00.006-06:00

It is important to let go of all thought and be still on a regular basis. I am not talking about zoning out and staring at your new plasma, but purposely NOT thinking about anything. I will admit, this takes a lot of practice. But if you are one of those people who can't stop thinking and shut your head off, not even for a moment, maybe you need something new to think about. This week's blog features crazy contests, obtrusive people, weird politicians, and strange vocabulary words for your repatuer.

1. Weird Politicians (other than former Il. Gov. Blagojevich)

If you are skeptical or interested in how Obama's proposed $800 billion stimulus package is going to be spent, you can track it (if it is approved) at www.recovery.org. Even though there is no approval for this package yet, there is already a website! Got to love the enthusiasm. If you are interested in what Obama is up to, you can watch a weekly address by video at www.whitehouse.gov. As soon as you hit the enter key, you can't avoid it! Here you will also find blogs, not that you can leave a comment, but blogs nonetheless.

Last, if you venture into whitehouse.gov, be sure to check out the OPL-IGA page (Office of Public Liaison and Intergovernmental Affairs) and leave a comment. Yes, that's right, you can be part of the policy process by leaving a vague or detailed comment about current or pending policy. This is the government's attempt to get Americans involved in the process or to give the Secret Service a bigger database, not sure which one. Although it is not interactive, there is a promise that the web page will grow.

2. Crazy Contests.

Enter a writing competition. Did you ever hear of the Universal Postal Union? They actually have a writing competition. I wish the theme was something like "What is the meaning of 'going postal' and explain why?" Hee hee.

Reader's Digest has a writing competition as well. You could be the lucky winner of $100 worth of Reader's Digest books while you pay your entry fee so they can disseminate your story all over the world for free! Can't wait to get screwed.

3. Obtrusive People

Maybe you know someone who is or maybe it is loud and forceful, or maybe it is you. Last week I apparently was obtrusive as I was performing a task that really requires no skill or thought, but happen to cross paths with someone who finds everyone obtrusive. It has made me acutely aware of the small space we all work in together. Now I am working hard to walk around very quietly, not share my personal conversations in any way in the office, and to be more aware of my actions. How do you affect people around you?

In an effort to still be pleasant, interact with humans, and basically fulfill my word quota every day, I am blogging more. This has helped a lot!

4. Strange Vocabulary

Think of some words you like or enjoy saying, but don't know what they mean or how to use them. My words today are "epiphany" "abominable" "fervent" and "nomenclature." So many words so little time.

Have a great week pondering!

Cynthia

The Importance of History and the Cycles of Life!

2009-01-19T12:09:00.009-06:00

I am writing this post on a National holiday, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Although MLK, Jr. was a co-founder of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957, he became the front man. Whatever the reason for his being pushed to the front, it provided us with a holiday. So if you work for a bank or a court, congratulations, you got a day off. I actually got a half day off. I'm wondering what Columbus Day holds for me?

All joking aside, we are on the eve of the inauguration of President-Elect Obama, one of the most historic times of our lives. My brothers and I were all born in the 60's. I was smack dab in the middle, 1965. MLK had already marched in Washington D.C.; Kennedy had been slain; and I was entirely to young to understand the consequences that were to come from the Vietnam war. So this event here and now rises to the level that no other event in my life can reach.

Interestingly, many of you reading this blog are in my shoes as well. Some a little bit older, some a little bit younger. Maybe you were too young to understand why we fought in World War II or why Desert Storm was necessary (or not). But I will wager a bet that you have a more lucid understanding of those historical events and the history that surrounds your life now. And, as we age and live, patterns start to appear.

Why is this important? Aside from lying about the house in your pajamas at noon on a national holiday playing Wii or watching A Family Guy marathon, we are making and recording history. You may not think you are part of it, but if you are alive and breathing, you are definitely part of history. I cannot thank Obama enough for indirectly providing me with material for my blog. Nor can I thank MLK enough for giving me time off of work to relax and lounge in my underwear.

As you unconsciously slide your slippers on the carpet and shock the crap out of yourself on the toaster at 2 pm during an episode of Dr. Phil, take a moment to envision what is going on around you. Now realize that everything you do influences someone else, like your children, friends or co-workers. Your resulting influence is carried away to influence others. It creates history and the cycle of life.

My grandmother will be 98 years old in May. Her eyes have seen a lot, including 6 wars, the automobile revolution, the making of the airline industry, and of course historical events which are too numerous to mention here. She recorded all of her travels around the world, and in doing so recorded history. She does not store them on a computer and she shares them with everyone. She taught me a lesson without uttering a word. Go out, enjoy the world, record history and share.

Peace.

Crosswalks Have a Purpose!

2009-01-15T14:00:00.002-06:00

As they would say on Monty Python's Flying Circus . . . "Now for something completely different." This article is not entirely about crosswalks, it's more about . . . well, I'm not sure what it is about, maybe awareness. But crosswalks really do have a purpose.

When people cross the street without using a crosswalk, it can be irksome. Why should you and I care? Because if a pedestrian gets hit by a driver, it costs time and money for everyone. It's not as simple as you would think, the driver being responsible and the insurance company handling up on it. You see, in May while I was out jogging, I utilized a crosswalk. I clearly had a walk symbol and traffic was at a complete stop. All was fine except when some guy in a rush to get to the burbs decided to make a right turn on red while I was in the crosswalk. Fortunately, he did not completely run me over. And I do mean fortunately, because he was driving an SUV the size of a mini tanker.

So did he get in trouble? No. The guy was somewhat of a bully. He did not render aid nor offer. After I finally peeled myself off the roadway, and insisted that I needed to get checked out by medical personnel, he finally gave me his contact information. After pulling those teeth while in a daze and probably shock, I just decided to let go and walk home. I was tired of fighting. Sad, that even though, according to the old driver's handbook, I was following all required duties of a pedestrian, that I still could not get any respect.

$6,000 later, here I am. I decided to allow things to just happen, and let it run its course through the proper channels. I was not interested in suing, dealing with more lawyers (the driver is a lawyer), or getting my deposition taken. It is just too small of a matter for a lawyer to take on because of expenses. When it is all said and done, neither of us will end up on the plus side. Only the insurance companies and the medical companies will be compensated, but very little will be left for time lost healing or dealing.

Which brings me to my other point, besides the importance of paying attention when driving near crosswalks, pay attention to who you vote for. How will their legislative record affect your life? I know, I know . . . you don't have time to worry about that, nor do you care. In fact, maybe you didn't even vote or you are just worried about the big picture and only vote in Presidential election years. Consider this, your time is valuable. If you have the right people working in Congress for you, then your time becomes even more valuable and not wasted. Remember how I mentioned that hitting a pedestrian (just one small example) costs money? That is money taken from your pocket, and not so much in my case, as in bigger matters. For instance, what if the pedestrian is indigent? I fortunately have the means to pay my medical bills and insurance premiums, but an indigent person does not. So, we all pay later through taxes and higher premiums.

As the US Congress and many state legislatures start cranking up for the year, keep this in mind how you want to live your life. For instance, what will affect your time, your bottom line, your happiness? Is it how insurance companies handle claims, or pedestrian laws? Maybe it's franchise taxes, and bank rates. Maybe it is even as simple as living in freedom.

This is one of my favorite websites to check out, and where you can find your US Congressmen and women www.whitehouse.gov. Also, for fun crazy articles check out the The Drudge Report, www.drudgereport.com.

AND, if you are interested in where BIN LADEN is hiding out, check out the article link at my "articles you must read."

Carpe Diem!

HELLO 2009!

2009-01-05T13:29:00.012-06:00

So you think you had a bad year? I have read and heard a resounding echo of 'good riddance' to 2008. Blogs, twitter, articles, op-eds . . . it's every where, we all agree, something (or everything) went awry in 2008.

When I and the people around me are collectively having a bad day, week, (or year), I usually equate it with a false alignment of the planets creating a pull on everyone's psyche. For instance, Mars forgot to move for a couple of minutes. 2008 was riddled with misalignment in the universe and caused people to do wacky things. We overextended ourselves, got greedy, consumed too much, and let it all hang out while still in the midst of a war. The year was a roller coaster that started several years ago. Maybe some of our gravity was lost from time to time, causing the roller coaster to speed out of control. If it were not on tracks and we were not belted in, we would have been propelled into space disintegrating instantly. Hopefully everyone kept their seat belt on.

But enough is enough. Now it is time to slow the roller coaster down and peel ourselves from the seats. I know, I know . . . you lost $20,000 in stocks; your pension has been depleted; your neighbor got a mortgage handout; you are worried about your employment, etc. These things are not monsters, it's called "change." And when we are riding at the highest point of the roller coaster, we don't want change. We are resistant to change.

I can't say that 2008 was bad at all. No, I did not win the lottery, get a raise, buy a new car, or even pay off all my debt. I accepted change. For me (a Virgo), that is extremely hard. There are many people in my life that will have conflicting opinions on how I handle change, and I'm sure some of them are not flattering. But now that we are in the throws of change, let's not forget what got us here. None of the offensive actions of 2008 would have happened if it were not for a collective ignorance of what is going on around us. But now that we are here, in 2009, it's time to make wiser decisions.

As sure as the days are really short right now, you have probably created (on paper or in your mind) your new year's resolutions. Consider the following for 2009:

1. Things will always change. It may not be for the better at the moment, but you can "change" that.

2. Consider living by your own commandments (make them short and simple)

3. Loose the "crap" in your life. (whatever that may be. Things, bad jobs, mean people, etc.)

4. Do something good with the rest of the "crap" in your life. (sell something, volunteer, fix it up and reuse it.)

5. And if you almost got propelled into space by the roller coaster, ride a smaller one!

Ending with a lot of upbeat quips like "git 'r done!", Nike's "Just do It" or "The World is a wonderful place" would just want to make everyone puke. What I will be happy to provide instead is a swift kick in the ass. So if you are in need, feel free to respond, e-mail, or call.

Family Characters

2008-12-04T12:35:00.006-06:00

Since it is the holidays, I wanted to talk about my favorite subject . . . my family!! Most people who have seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" can garner some familiarity with some part of this movie. Whether you are an only-child or one of many children, you probably have a crazy uncle, a cousin everyone gossips about, or a parent that has made a point of embarrassing you in front of others. I'm not Greek, but I can totally relate. Trade the Ouzo for red wine, and the lamb for sausage and you have the same big fat crazy family except Italians.

The Characters:

My brother Vinny (the oldest living alter boy . . . I mean "stunt boy")

My brother George (the only one who has a french name)

My brother Dean (as in Dean Martin. My parents drank and smoked a lot in the 60's)

My father Vinny (Vincenzo if it was his mother calling)

My grandmother Antonietta (She's almost 100!)

My mother Claudette (the half Italian half French woman who named my brother George)

My cousin Joey Two Times (the oldest of all the Italian grandchildren)

This list is quite extensive, but these are the main characters. Of course I can't forget my Uncle Joey, my Aunt Carol, and my favorite half French cousins Dougie, Eugene and Deborah. A little French, a little 50's, a little crazy!!! The French came through Canada, (sneaky bastards). The Italians came through Ellis Island (where a lot of other mobsters came from to hide their identity . . . just kidding).

The holidays hold the best memories. They include waking up in the morning and storming down a set of carpeted stairs in socks. If one of us didn't fall on our faces, that was a start to a good morning. Then finally landing at the bottom to look to the left back corner of the living room where every Christmas tree was placed from the 70's to the 90's and finding loads of presents. To this day I'm baffled at how and where my parents: 1) could afford it; 2) could hide it; and 3) could get it all moved on Christmas Eve without us knowing. How???? I'm telling you, it was the sneaky French working with the organized Italians.

Now, Christmas is quite toned down, except for Dean. He is the only one with small children who appreciate the Christmas morning run to the tree. Except they slide on wood floors and try not to crack their skulls open on the walls on their way to the presents. The rest of us are much more mellow now. We enjoy things like no children, or having drinks with the grown children. Either way, it is all good times in new ways.

Happy Holidays.

It's a Time to Give and A Time to Give Back

2008-11-24T11:08:00.004-06:00

I'm not talking about Christmas gifts although, 'tis the season to give. So for all of my friends out there who plan on giving and receiving generously this year, I want to pass on some etiquette rules. Let me first lay out some definitions. A "gift" is the act of giving no matter what the item. You are "giving" something, a gift of money to a charity or a toy to a child, with no expectation of return. This is opposed to a marriage proposal. A marriage proposal usually comes with an engagement ring, it is a "proposal" centered on conditions being fulfilled. The first is permanent, the second is conditional.

If you are considering a luxury item as a gift to your special partner (wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, dog . . .), like jewelry, a car, a new dog house, then this is permanent. It is a gift, and if you break up or the dog runs away, don't expect the gift to be returned.

If you intend to ask that special one to marry you, you might consider separating this from any gifts. (I do hope the dog is not included on this one). An engagement ring is not permanent. It is a conditional gift. That is, it is conditioned upon acceptance, and ultimate marriage. If, for some strange reason, the conditions to the engagement are not met, i.e. no marriage takes place and you both break up, then the engagement ring should be returned. (Ladies, did you hear that??)

A recent story in the news over this exact issue caught my attention. Apparently there is a couple (or used to be a couple) in Connecticut who were engaged to each other. The man provided a $25,000 engagement ring to the woman. She accepted. Something went amiss and they broke up. Now, he is asking for his ring back and she is refusing to return it claiming it was a "gift." Legal analysts claimed that he can now fight in court for the ring back. Unless he has done something hanious to cause the break up, (and the fact that they do not reside in Montana or Kansas), he should have no problem having a judge order that the ring be returned.

I'm sure at this very point in the article you are saying "that poor sap was taken by another greedy woman." And, on many levels I would agree. I have seen it too many times. Why didn't I follow this path? I could have, but call me stupid, I decided I didn't want to make any exceptions in my life so I could wear a $25,000 diamond ring. And my dad showed up for my dance recitals.

Any way, the message here should be clear. Three things need to be considered during this holiday season.

1. A gift is a gift is a gift. It is permanent.

2. An engagement ring is part of a proposal set on conditions to be met.

3. Think long term not fantasy.

More silly Christmas ideas to come!

Pam, Brad and Obama??

2008-11-23T19:09:00.003-06:00

What does Pamela Anderson, Brangelina and the Obama family have in common? Other than the horrors of living under the watchful eye of media so that everyday people can get a shameful taste of some fame, they have absolutely nothing in common.

Why did I pick these three? Instead of spending a quiet weekend meditating, I made the mistake of watching television. This is what I learned:

1. Pamela Anderson recently announced that she "quits!" As announced on some entertainment show that I was unfortunately watching by accident, Pam Anderson has declared that she is done acting. Thank God. I feel so much better now.

2. Brangelina are so highly photographed and pursued by the media that who doesn't know them or every little detail about their lives? Haven't you all had enough? I'm hoping that they too will announce that they are quiting as well. Their acting is not exactly what I would consider award winning. (One caveat is "Girl Interrupted", I do really like that movie).

3. Last, the Obama family is being forced to choose a puppy for the Whitehouse. Apparently Barak mentioned they may get a puppy, but maybe they changed their mind? Why will the media not drop it? The media has now created "The Obama Puppy Watch!"

I know if you reading this blog, you either 1) find this somewhat entertaining; or 2) have entertained yourself to a point that there is nothing else but my blog. Well, I have some new great entertainment for you that does not require reading cheesy tabloid magazines or television media.

Forget Pam Anderson, Brangelina and the Obama Family puppy. Now you can watch one of the number one streaming videos at www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam. It is a streaming video of 6 Shiba Inu puppies, and at any one time there is about 10,000 people watching. It's actually mesmorizing and soothing in some wierd way. It might even prove to lower your blood pressure!

Have a happy week and a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Is NASCAR a sport?

2008-11-10T22:05:00.005-06:00

Is NASCAR really a sport? This is a question that has baffled me since I was a young child. To this day, I am amazed at the sheer attraction of NASCAR, and probably speak for millions like me when I ask "why is NASCAR called a "sport?"

NASCAR is actually an acronym for the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. Men and women drive "stock" cars with 800 horsepower at speeds of approximately 180 mph around a circle 500 times! Archery is also a sport, as is hunting, or so I'm told. I tried to understand with a pro and con approach.

Pros: It takes guts and concentration to stay awake while driving at extremely high rates of speed in a circle 500 times! Sounds easy except that the driver is mashed into the car through a window, has no airbag, and no cup holder for the coffee. Additionally there is an exhausting amount of clutch pushing, (I'm not talking about a cute purse ladies), to change gears on a curve with some guy right on your ass!

Cons: It's just driving! Of course, there is some strategery involved, like passing other cars. (Strategery is a made up word used by Will Ferrell when he does his imitation of President Bush! I thought it appropriate here since I find the movie Talladaga Nights excruciatingly funny.)

After my short analysis, I delved deeper. Alas, as soon as I saw the word "prohibition" I had a vision of a crazed man transporting moonshine somewhere in the deep south, which immediately reminded me of the Dukes of Hazzard. It took years for me to realize the attraction was the car and not the girl. All of my brothers and dad looked like deer caught in headlights when that show came on. Back to the moonshine, which came from Appalachia, and was transported by "bootleggers". To do this they created vehicles with handling and speed to outrun the law in mountainous regions. Thus, one particular strip in Knoxville, Tennessee became a popular racing venue for bootleggers. After prohibition, Wilkes County, North Carolina grew into a racing mecca. Well that explains NASCAR's dominance in the deep south. (God, I love Wikipedia!)

But does being a bootlegger make an athlete or NASCAR a sport? Dictionary.com has at least 10 definitions of the word "Sport". Here are the top two:

1. An athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature, as racing, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc.

2. . . . especially in the out of doors

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, this could be anything, even chess! To further confuse anyone who has been living in a cave to avoid auto racing (like me), NASCAR's "about us" page states that NASCAR is the number 1 "Spectator Sport." Most of us think of athletes when we think of "sports", not bench warmers. But picture Bubba sitting in a fishing boat with a bowl haircut and bad sunglasses. He is actually hunting for fish on national television. Does that make fishing a sport?

From all this, I can hardly believe NASCAR is a sport and drivers are athletes. EXCEPT, and you are really not going to believe this . . . . drum roll please . . . .

Jimmie Johnson, a popular race car driver, was among many candidates listed for the 2007 US Sports Academy athlete of the year! What??? You heard me. A race car driver listed among athletes such as quarterbacks, pitchers, runners, swimmers and golfers, vying for Athlete of the year. No he didn't win, but come on, really, Bret Favre won.

This debate could go on endlessly. In any event we will all be happy to know NASCAR's CEO, Brian France, concedes that NASCAR is all about the entertainment. So is it a sport among other sports or is it just "sport" to entertain?

The Coming of Zelda and Roy!

2008-11-02T21:46:00.009-06:00

Since I could not compete with Saturday Night Live and my creativeness has been zapped by my writing class, I took a break for Halloween. Halloween was really fun this year! No it was not an all night drunk fest at a bar, but a reading of Edgar Allen Poe and a seemingly harmless party. With this, I introduce you to Zelda and Roy!

Join them on www.myspace.com/zeldaandroy for future stories. Enjoy the video . . .

AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!

Honing My Interview Skills

2008-10-27T22:49:00.004-05:00

Check out my interviewing skills!

GRADE MY HOMEWORK! Does Hate = Ignorance?

2008-10-17T09:06:00.007-05:00

For the last several weeks I have been a student in an online creative writing class. This was a very creative and wonderful birthday gift from Everett, and I have had a lot of fun BS'ing my way through. That was basically how I made it through undergrad and grad school.

Recently, one of our homework assignments was to list five things I hate. They could be as little as a hangnail or as large as a world leader. I was then supposed to pick my most eccentric choice to be sure no one else in the class would pick the same thing, and write a short piece presenting my "hate." I thought I would share my short story with you and let YOU GRADE IT! Here you go:

One of my mantras is "not to hate." But from time-to-time, irritants arise that conjure up feelings of despise. Despise is a strong word I know, but I think you would feel the same way if something has a negative affect on life in general. That is really what it is all about anyway, being happy and making the world a great place. So if you do not like something, avoid it? That is easier said than done.

Things that can make me crazy include Sunday drivers in the passing lane; parents who ignore their screaming children in public; drunk guys who urinate on my lawn; and people who abuse animals. These things do not have an affect on me solely, but on everyone. They create bad energy.

Although I try not to be a contributor to bad energy, and believing that hating something creates bad energy, I unfortunately absolutely hate it when people throw lit cigarette butts out of their car windows.It is as if the earth is their trashcan, and will automatically dispose of their fiery stub they no longer need.

I have seen the result of lit cigarette butts being thrown out of a car window, like car fires and hundreds of burned acres. Did these litterbugs ever stop to think of the consequences? There are animals, people, homes, crops and property all at risk all the time from natural disasters, while now also at risk from a human addiction.

Maybe my ignorance about addiction is what makes me hate the pitching of lit butts from a car equipped with an ashtray. It is usually ignorance that creates hate. Could it be the addiction or the excuse of addiction to nicotine I should hate? Either way, instead of hating, I use the opportunity to point out to those that do not want to litter their own environment on wheels, but the environment of all natural things, they are littering by snapping a picture. They hate that!

Is Fiduciary a Bad Word?

2008-10-09T13:26:00.009-05:00

My definition of "Fiduciary" never reached beyond that of responsibility as a member of a board of directors of a small non-profit organization. This included my duty to act in a respectable manner and refrain from asking for reimbursement on alcohol I drank while traveling for the association. As an investor, I never considered that the board of directors of a fund management company would lose my money. In fact, I always chucked the election by proxy forms I received from fund companies that held my humble savings. Since the major financial fallout, I have been rethinking, like everyone, about who holds my money.

The Macbook Dictionary opens my eyes to a more succinct definition of fiduciary as much more than just a trustee, but someone who holds your money. A fiduciary has a duty (called "fiduciary duty", and I am not talking about bio-poo), to invest or hold that money as directed and in the interest of the investor. This is big, like Enron big.

Great examples include recent, although, not the most recent of giants to fall, Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc. In fact, they are such a hot target, legal websites have already popped up to lure potential victims for a class action suit against Lehman. Victims are people who trusted Lehman with their 401k and pension plans, and who can prove that Lehman violated its fiduciary duty. Proving this will be a no brainer as Lehman's (fiduciary) CEO is already appearing in front of congress having explain what he did with every one's money. Basically, the claim is that Lehman shucked its responsibility by putting Lehman's interests (big pay checks) ahead of their investors' interests (our life savings).

The sad part is, as this modest blog moves forward, so does the next CEO brainiac with a new innovative way of investing for higher returns, higher commissions and faster growth, all with someone else's money, and unregulated. We are definitely not experiencing the first breach of our wallets, and it will not be the last. Maybe each family unit should build their own compound with their own governments, schools and banks. Oh wait, I think the pilgrims already tried this.

Unfortunately, no one has come up with a new hair-brained resolution to solve the worlds problems. And although the Lehman Brothers debacle seems small compared the giant roller coaster free fall the stock market just took us on, I truly believe that we will be okay. Even better, while we are all starving because we cannot afford groceries, we will solve the latest plague recognized by the government as obesity!

As a side note, sorry for the late blog. Next week, I blog about Family Guy??? Check out my favorite blogs and click on Zen to find some peace for your life.

SLIPPERY SLOPE!

2008-09-28T22:56:00.006-05:00

On September 8, 2008, something happened in Austin, Texas, making the local news. Between hurricanes and financial bailouts, there was a front-page newspaper story that went largely ignored by most. Now that the world has finished falling apart, temporarily, I can tell you about a Judge’s ruling that some might say smacks Roe v. Wade.

The Honorable Charlie Baird in Travis County got to do something that a lot of people would probably love to do in one form or another. He “ordered a woman to stop having children as a condition of her probation in her case of injury to a child by omission.” The woman is only 20 and admitted to failing to provide protection and medical care to her baby daughter, less than 2 years old, who was beaten by her father. The baby suffered broken bones among other injuries. The baby’s father was sentenced to 15 years in prison, and both parents relinquished their parental rights.

Although the mother was given 10 years probation, required to do 100 hours of community service, and undergo a mental health assessment, she was also ordered not to have any more children. She apparently did not object to the judge’s ruling at the time. Usually an appeal is based on an objection to a ruling. Without the objection, there are no grounds for appeal to a higher court.

Texas, judges are allowed to set conditions of probation. The defendant gave up her parental rights, and failed to object to the conditions of probation. Without having full facts, like knowing details of her relationship with the father, or knowing how she felt and cared for her baby, should this woman be restricted from procreation as a condition of her probation?

Although the constitution does not specifically say that we have a right to bare children whenever we want, there are apparently numerous court rulings that would suggest we have a constitutional right to procreate. But wouldn’t it be nice once in a while to disallow someone from having children if they are a convicted or known abuser of children? But is that really fair?
The newspaper article I read reports that there was one similar case out of Wisconsin. The facts are entirely different, but the ruling was the same. It related to a father of nine children who was convicted of intentionally failing to pay child support. He was ordered not to have children as a condition of his probation. The Supreme Court of Wisconsin upheld the decision. How many people do you know have either not received or not paid child support?

So here is your homework assignment. Answer these questions, and let me know what you think about this case.

1. Does any Judge have the right to order someone not to have children? If it depends on the circumstances, please explain.

2. Is the judicial branch of the government reaching too far in being allowed to make such a ruling? I.e. is the government’s control of the private lives of individuals too strict?

3. Last. Should such a ruling be reserved for severe cases involving injury and/or death to a child only? Please explain.

This topic conjures up numerous topics and angles. It is really hard to stick to the basic concept of “right to privacy.” As you debate the issue, as I did this evening before writing this, numerous different scenarios come up where a ruling like this could be damning to an unsuspecting and undeserving defendant. We will have to see where the Court of Appeals decides to take this case. Until next time, I look forward to the comments!

Info About Your Money

2008-09-21T11:35:00.003-05:00

Things are crazy in our world right now, but when have they not been? If we were all to let go and quit reading the paper and watching the news tomorrow, do you think all the bad news would go away? If you refocus your energy on good things, your anxiety over money and the world economy would dissipate. The more we worry and fear, the more we bring to light reasons to worry and fear. It is much like growing old gracefully. We spend so much time resisting it through miracle creams, plastic surgery, and covering everything else we cannot change. Resistance only seems to make fear more prevalent. Fear feeds on fear, and that is exactly what the media is stirring up right now.

The key to life is to enjoy it. Like any relationship, one with a partner or a child, has its ups and downs. Do you withdraw your love from a child during the down times? Well, then why would you withdraw your money from a bank during down times? Where would you put it any way? Especially while CD’s are paying high interest rates right now and are FDIC insured. Not only that, if you were to withdraw your IRA, you would end up loosing more money in penalties and taxes. Do you want to keep bailing out producers of profligacy like politicians and Lehman Brothers Holdings?
What you do need to know is whether the FDIC is insuring your money. Here’s the skinny from www.fdic.gov.

FDIC-Insured
. Checking Accounts (including money market deposit accounts)
. Savings Accounts (including passbook accounts)
. Certificates of Deposit
.
Not FDIC-Insured
. Investments in mutual funds (stock, bond or money market mutual funds), whether purchased from a bank, brokerage or dealer
. Annuities (underwritten by insurance companies, but sold at some banks)
. Stocks, bonds, Treasury securities or other investment products, whether purchased through a bank or a broker/dealer

Surely we all face some risk depending on what type of holdings we have. Be smart and do some research. Here is what I have learned from Suzie Orman and other investment gurus this week; leave the mutual funds, stocks and other long-term investments alone. If you have new money to invest, put it in a CD for now, not in the stock market-duhh. Here is a link to an informative article about FDIC insurance. http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105756/FDIC-Insurance-Protects,-Except-When

If things are really rough for you and you may need to take drastic measures, although I hope no one ever has to do this, I wanted to impart some additional information. Of course, this is coming from Wikipedia, so I would strongly advise you to consult an attorney before doing anything!

Just in case you have thought about bankruptcy and are worried about loosing your IRA, pension or 401K, I believe that the United States Supreme Court has ruled in one or more cases that a persons IRA is exempt from his or her bankruptcy estate. This may not be the case in all chapters of the Bankruptcy Code, so if this is an option you are exploring, check with an attorney. The case mentioned on Wikipedia was from Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code, and most people file for bankruptcy under Chapters 7 or 13. Keep in mind that bankruptcy laws changed recently which afford more protection for creditors.

As far as protection from creditors many states have laws that prohibit judgments from lawsuits to be satisfied by seizure of IRA assets. I do not know what the laws in Texas protect your investments from Writs of Execution or failure to pay taxes. If there is any protection, those deposits into your IRA should have been made prior to any lawsuit or credit issues.

Last, I would advise you, no matter whether there was a crisis or not, to explore heavily each candidates plan, including those that are running as your U.S. Senator and Representatives. They will greatly affect your future including your ability to pay fewer taxes and afford health insurance. Here is a comparison of the candidates tax plans! http://www.taxfoundation.org/research/show/23165.html

Hold on Tight and God Speed!

2008-09-13T22:26:00.005-05:00

Can Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin lead us?

2008-09-11T15:04:00.003-05:00

"Generations to come, it may be, will scarce believe that such one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth." - Albert Einstein on Gandhi

The quote is a little heavy, but it is never a bad idea to remind ourselves of one purpose we have - to make the world a better place now and in the future. I'm not sure we are doing that. We have created classes and factions, strife and struggle with disagreements and greed. We have created pollution, cellular changes, illness, and the diminishing of various species on our planet. Don't get me wrong though, it is not all grim. Many people have and do follow righteous paths such as Gandhi's. Some philosophers believe that we are in a new dawning as people are becoming more aware of their own consciousness, thus making the world a better place by living in a higher state of mind and not contributing to factions or pollution.

However, I am still skeptical of our paths, especially when our world leaders are bickering over "lipstick." The GOP has turned Barak Obama into a schoolyard bully. McCain is now the guy who defends and rescues everyone in the schoolyard (America), one female VP at a time. This is not what I would call "change."

So here we are, back to square one. The country has created huge factions. They include Republicans and Democrats, women and men, feminists and independents, pit bulls and hockey moms, and now the vain and the meek. The very people we are considering to lead our country are fighting over "lipstick."

Funny enough, lipstick is exactly what will outlast this campaign and the next presidency without any question. Lipstick is made up of 60% oil and wax, 25% pigment and alcohol and 1% fragrance. Where is the rest? Depending on the manufacturing process, the remaining percentage can be made up of antioxidants and preservatives to keep the lipstick from getting rancid. (www.enotes.com/how-products-encyclopedia/lipstick).

So if we compare lipstick to our Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates, we can determine that there may not be enough antioxidants and/or preservatives among these four people to help us and our planet survive. McCain is 72, need I say more. Biden is a career politician and the most experienced, but no spring chicken. Obama would be the first black president and probably the most controversial. Last, Palin has absolutely no national or international experience.

Are we better off electing a tube of lipstick? Comments welcome!

Who the H*?# Should You Vote For?

2008-08-31T20:38:00.008-05:00

What better to blog about this week than McCain’s vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin. Is this McCain’s attempt to “change Washington” because everyone knows he has not had enough time in the Senate to do that . . . Maybe he has been too busy campaigning?? Isn’t this Obama’s platform? Well I’m glad we got that straight. Now that everyone wants to change Washington, we have to now decide which dynamic duo is best fit for the job. Like many of us, you probably have not had time to read all the over dramatized crap of the press or the candidates websites. So I bequeath to you a few facts from each of the candidates’ websites and/or news clippings that I felt were legitimate. (It was hard to refrain from Wikipedia, but I did!)

Obama / Biden (The Oreo Feel Good team):

Obama is a young U.S. Senator from Chicago who spent years in the Illinois legislature. His parents are racially mixed, one a student from Kenya and one from middle America, Kansas. Obama was ultimately raised by his mother in Hawaii after his father returned to Kenya. He was an average student until he got involved in politics in college. After college, he worked for Christian churches; and after law school, turned down lucrative offers to work for a small firm and teach Constitutional law. As part of the Illinois legislature, Obama was a strong advocate for women’s issues.

Biden is a senior Senator from Delaware (1972) and was a single parent to his two remaining sons after a car accident took his wife and daughter. And like many parents, Biden was willing to give up his first senate election for his family. He is remarried and had a fourth child with his new wife. He served on the Senate Foreign Affairs committee with Obama and is up for re-election, which makes him available.

McCain / Palin (The Do-it-my-way or no-way Team):
McCain is a senior US Senator who started out as a US Representative in 1982. He is a proud Navy veteran, a POW (probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – how could you not!), and has been observed as very angry by President Bush’s former Chief of Staff. Although John McCain has seven children, we never hear about his first wife. Much of his time in the Senate has been spent on reform including lowering taxes and less government.

Now, here here are a few things you should know about Sarah Palin that people are already getting incorrect:

In 1984 she was not Miss Alaska, she was the RUNNER UP;
She is only 44, but yet older than John F. Kennedy when he ran for President;
She was the mayor of Wasilla, AK, population 9,780 according to the US Census in 2007, and was elected as the Governor of Alaska in 2007.
She is currently involved in a legislative investigation over the firing of an Alaskan State Trooper involved in a divorce from Palin’s sister and Alaska’s Public Safety Commissioner who was pressured to fire the State Trooper.
She is a member of the NRA
She has 5 children, and some of her fellow countrymen do not think she is ready to lead.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a1uiw5Tqp4EM&refer=home

Politicos and poison ivy!

2008-08-26T21:57:00.002-05:00

Well I’m not very insightful this week. I was however experiencing another first by watching the Democratic National Convention. What about you? Have you ever watched a political convention? It brought to mind all of the issues currently facing Americans. Politicos like to phrase it as “waging a war against ______” (you fill in the blank.) We have so many to choose from now. We have the war on terror, the war on drugs, and the latest greatest, the war on obesity. Are we winning any of these wars yet? Let’s face it, do we even care about the war on drugs? It’s a plant, get over it. What about obesity? I have that solution, get off your ass.

Which finally brings me to a point. (Like I said, I am not very insightful this week). I am waging my own personal war and it’s on poison ivy! As some of you know, I am apparently very allergic to poison ivy, and have been battling a horrible reaction to it for 6 weeks!! This has included steroids, acupuncture, herbal concoctions, gels, pastes, more steroids, more acupuncture, gels and paste, and finally a lot of complaining.

And apparently, I am not alone. Just today there was a story in the Dallas Morning News regarding the war on poison ivy. And, always newsworthy is my brother’s opinion, a horticulturist, that poison ivy has become bigger, badder and more pervasive then ever. Because of the risk of someone having a severe allergic reaction not only on the outside but also the inside, it cannot be burned at random. It’s also a weed, but one that has staying power, so spraying it is a short-term solution while putting unknown additives in our drinking water. And let’s not forget the potential cost to eradicate poison ivy. Surely there are more pressing issues, like schools offering tofu instead of refried beans to our overweight students.

So until a solid plan is formulated to win the war on poison ivy is invented, I have two ways to avoid it.

Never drink in an open public park with all of your friends where weeds are not well maintained.

Never, ever let your friends persuade you to urinate in the un-maintained weeds in an open public park when drunk, especially if you are a girl!

Carpe Diem!

Update on the Election

2008-08-18T18:14:00.003-05:00

Several people have asked my opinion on the current election. But before I can go there, I must vent about our electoral system (invented by dudes wearing wigs by the way). I would wager that there are a lot of high school students whom, like many of their parents, do not understand the U.S. electoral system. I know I don’t. But most high school students of voting age, and more importantly, their parents, understand the voting system on American Idol.

I fit in the category of professionals with no children who one night turned on the television for mindless entertainment to forget about our responsibilities and got sucked into a show called American Idol like it was the Poltergeist. There was no shortage of crazy outfits and slurred speech from Paula; idiocy and fence sitting from Randy; and fantasy causing accented-filled insults from Simon. Connect the dots people – American Idol has reported 60 million viewers on a single episode. Not necessarily all of voting age, but someone had to pay for the television and the cable?

Despise AI? How about Hollywood? I do. News flash – On Aug. 10th at 1:30 am, Barack Obama ran a 30-minute infomercial on Ion Television. This is the first for a Presidential candidate. McCain’s campaign placed Barack Obama in equal celebrity status to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears by using their images in an ad. Barack looks pretty good on film. Lastly, Hollywood is about to turn our Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice into a movie star babe. The trend is definitely to reach out to the younger crowd. Why not, old people shouldn’t be driving to the polls any way!

Here’s how the election would work. Debates would be scheduled for several weeks. Certain days will be designated for certain issues. For example, Monday-Taxes; Tuesday-war and foreign affairs; Wednesday-Abortion; Thursday-more taxes; and Friday-more war issues. (Forget social security, it will not be around much longer any way). Each candidate will have a call in number, 1-800-Not-sure or 1-800-4-Whitey. At the end of each week, there will be an elimination show with a lot of knuckle bumping and berating. It will be grand!

In all seriousness though, there will be no uncertainty as to who will win the election. There will be no elected officials making the ultimate decision for all of the population on who actually wins despite the popular vote.

Summer Olympics ONLY day 2!

2008-08-10T12:01:00.001-05:00

I digress from my political silliness to comment on the 2008 Summer Olympic games like only I can and because I can. First, before I get into my crazy comments about the Olympics, I should advise that I have been to Europe only once, and it was to Italy. While in Italy, I noticed a lot of shoes that were shiny silver. Not women’s shoes, but all shoes, especially high top tennis shoes for men. I’m talking about shiny silver high top tennis shoes in glass display cases all over Italy like they were pieces of a the Coliseum in Rome. I just walked around wondering who the hell would actually wear these shoes!! Well, after seeing the opening of the Olympics, I figured it out.

My top five observations of the 2008 Olympic Games on Day 2:

1. The Italian athletes all wear shiny silver tennis shoes. I knew someone had to buy those shoes!??

2. The American athletes all looked like Ralph Lauren robot clones. I had to bet my boyfriend that they were really the Americans.

3. Swimmers should not leave their goggles on their foreheads before starting a race. When they move their goggles from their forehead to their eyes, the goggles leave red circles above their eyebrows. Makes me want to take a Sharpie and color in some pupils and eyelashes so they have eyes above their eyes. This would really make people watch the swimming!

4. During the rowing, there is a group of cyclists that ride along the bank watching the rowing. I can’t wait for the cyclists to run into each other and wreck out during a rowing competition. That would really make the rowing more exiting!

5. Last, but not least, the Italians would have done great in the men’s quadruple rowing had it not been for all the gold jewelry weighing them down!

More to come. Hope you are enjoying the Olympics.

Renewables - "Biostuff"

2008-08-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

When people discuss renewable energy, like using corn for fuel, we often include a joke about using animal waste as well. You know, putting to use the bags of dog poop you scoop, or the pastures of cow patties you think are funny. All joking aside, and with all the incredible technology, there is such a possibility. I have named it . . . "Biopoo."

To figure out how to make this a reality, I conducted research on about "biomass." This sounds promising, and to me, is just a nicer way of saying "biopoo." According to Wikipedia where I did all my hard research, (and we all know how reliable that is), "biomass" is defined as living and recently dead biological material transformed into a fuel. Can biopoo be categorized as "recently dead biological material?" Biomass material can also be called biodegradable wastes (I think I am getting closer), which is generally converted to a solid, liquid or gas fuel, thus becoming "biofuel."

So bio-logically, bio-fuel can be produced from any bio-logic source. Does this mean that bio-waste is bio-poo? Can bio-poo be used to manufacture more plastic water bottles? Surely if we can power a vehicle using plant-derived biomass, we can figure out how to use biopoo for anything!

Further, the production and use of biopoo with reduce the amount of CO2 from the atmosphere since it is not a fossil fuel. Seriously, have you ever heard anyone complain about all the piles of cow pool releasing greenhouse gases into the air? What about when your neighbor's son lit dog poo in a paper bag on fire on your door step? Did it create a pollution problem?

In this day and age of worrying about environmental issues like carbon footprints, holes in the ozone, diminishing oil reserves and Boone Pickens' checkbook, I think I am onto something. Let's start living a "biolife" with all of our "biostuff." If we are living a biolife, must we give up our amenities like setting our air conditioners on 65, drinking tons of bottled water, not sorting our trash for recycling? We don't have time for these things! Americans are too busy creating an oil crisis while driving our 8-cylinder SUVs to be politically correct and save the environment.

Thus, the solution is Biopoo! I hope the American government takes note of this great idea. Don't waste that pile of dog pool by setting it on fire and leaving it at the doorstep of Iran, but put it to good use in creating renewable energy for Americans.