TV Commercials

It's 10:00 p.m. and according to my new diet book, I shouldn't be drinking alcohol or watching television before bedtime.  Instead, I'm having a glass of wine, sitting on the floor in front of my laptop, and watching bad WE TV.  (The Women's Network Television.)  Tonight's feature is Thelma & Louise.  I can hear all the men gasping as they read this.  But this is not about Thelma & Louise or retribution by women.  It's about the myriad of painful and lengthy television commercials they show while they cut out pieces of the movie.  And for those smart asses with a solution, NO, I don't have a DVR, so I am one of the few that sits through tons of horrid commercials because if I am watching WE TV on the floor with a glass of wine, I am entirely too lazy to get up or change the channel.

In fifteen minutes I am told about how to control my period, fix my wrinkles, where to buy the best ink for my printer, how to get rid of more wrinkles, where I should meet the mate of my life, what to do if I have athlete's foot, heartburn or arthritis, and where to shop for clothing and shoes. Oh let's not forget that I should eat fake butter that tastes like plastic as opposed to maybe eating real butter and just limiting it. Oh I also need to learn to do laundry more efficiently, and as if I didn't have enough to do, I can log on to WE TV and sign up for lots of free shit.

Of course, despite the fact that I had moved on from productivity on my laptop, I still could not stop watching Thelma & Louise, so I hung on and endured more bad television commercials. With that comes more info on how to save myself from my fat self by not eating any more, and then, if and when I decide to binge eat, which hot dogs are the best.  Those are "Hebrew National" hot dogs.  I didn't know Hebrews even ate hot dogs!  I'm so confused I don't know whether to starve myself to skinny or eat an entire package of all natural hot dogs with no beef fillers.

By the end of the movie, I have now made a list of several things I need to do.  I need to call everyone I know and tell them I love them, get my prescription glasses updated, brush my teeth, color my hair, purchase wrinkle cream from three different manufacturers, buy tanning lotion, comfortable tampons, and to get my employees everything they need like a color printer, insurance, a new chair, a Dell computer, and an F*n happy face for their desk!

Now that my list is three pages, I am entirely stressed out and definitely in no shape to fall asleep.  I need to get wart medicine just in case any way!

My all time favorite Quote!

"She's a world-class racehorse.  She's not going out for Cosmopolitans in four Jimmy Choos."  Jason Gay for The Wall Street Journal.

Great Sports? and Gandhi

The Sports section of The Wall Street Journal (that's an oxymoron!) highlights a fantastically written article about three spotlight-hogging athletes:  Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez and Calvin Borel??  More than likely, you have heard of at least two, but if not, here's a reminder:

Kobe Bryant, L.A. Laker NBA star, whose career was almost derailed by a sexual assault allegation (surprise); A. Rod, a famous NY Yankee ball player earning $275 Mil a year (that's in Millions) former Texas Ranger, boo hiss; and Calvin Borel, the Cajun horse jockey who has now won two of the three most famous and watched horse races every year, on two different horses.  

The crux of the story highlights the success of Calvin Borel, a 42-year old daredevil.  In humorous fashion, Jason Gay, the writer provides a look into crazed Americans who all of a  sudden have noticed and swoon over Calvin.  He states that Calvin could probably get Simon Cowell to remove his muscle shirt if Calvin merely stepped on stage and sang "Superfreak."   Race analysts and Americans also made a big deal about the "filly" he rode to the finish. Everybody treated her as if it was Princess Di on her wedding day.  She is beautiful, but reel it back in everyone.  As Gay put it, "She's a world-class racehorse.  She's not going out for Cosmopolitans in four Jimmy Choos."  That is now my favorite quote!

What I really want to know though, is why did he switch horses??  But then again, are we still wondering why A. Rod left Texas for the Yankees?

Now for Gandhi, that's Sonia Gandhi I'm referring to.  She is an Italian-born 62-year old woman of high intelligence who has a "shaky command of Hindi," according to The New York Times.  To some, she is a modern day political genius who has managed to stay out of the limelight until now.  You could equate Sonia to Karl Rove, the guy who has been described as "W"'s puppeteer.  But I wouldn't want to do that since "W" was not the brightest star in the sky in terms of Presidents.  Sonia is the President of India's Congress Party headquartered in New Delhi.  

And why should we care way over here in the far West (or East depending on what side of India you are looking from)?  Remember that these are the people we talk to when we have failed miserably at getting our Internet connected or forgot to pay the electric bill.  It is people like Sonia Gandhi, her husband, who was assassinated, her father-in-law, and now her son, who have been successful in making India a better place.  We need India and India needs America.  We need countries with a population of 1.13 billion (soon to surpass China) that is full of bright colors, curry, techies and people that will make our Jimmy Choos.  (Hee hee, just a joke folks.) Specifically, we should care about the people Sonia Gandhi gets elected since it loosens the control of the communist parties in India, and creates a country we can be friends with. 

Below is a link to the The New York Times article about the success in India's recent election.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/18/world/asia/18india.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&exprod=myyahoo

(You may have to cut and paste the URL above.)

And just a quick note, "Jimmy Choo" is a designer of outrageously expensive shoes that only the Filly that won the Preakness can afford! 

Last, for fun, check out the link to the most famous oxymorons added to my website links.  

Cynthia

My "You Have Got to be Kidding" Post

I started this blog for many reasons, but improving my writing skills was not one of them. In order to continue to annoy my blogsters, it became necessary to pay attention to my writing, and alas my blog has morphed into one long writing class. To help improve, I have to take time out to read . . . a lot! In reading, I try to be open-minded and sample a little bit of everything. Some of these samples are not very tasty. These include tacky mudslinging articles, any article about celebrities, and the beginning of the longest novel ever . . . Don Quixote. By page 85 I was experimenting with self-mutilation through paper cuts. That's a just a joke.

Today, I just happen to read the newspaper where the stories seemed to be more annoying than usual. And like most people, there are days where I just can't believe what is happening in the world. And, like most intelligent people, we have views and opinions about life in general. That is not to say we tell each other how we should live, but there are times when we want to! Since we all have those days where we are taken aback by stupid people and weird world events, I offer you an opportunity to let it all out without retribution. Here are a few topics that I was unfortunate to read about, especially when it came at me as a full-page newspaper ad.

1. Bristol Palin - Abstinence Spokesperson -- Really??? Her ex-boyfriend was quoted on Good Morning America saying something like "it will never work." I think he is right. There are pros and cons about the situation. On one hand, there is now an 18 year old beautiful girl telling other teen girls that having a baby is not easy! On the other hand, you have an 18 year old beautiful girl being carted around the country by her daddy and corporate sponsors to preach about abstinence . . . after the fact. Basically, do something stupid and become famous! Any comments?

2. David Feherty - CBS Sports golf analyst made an unfunny. He is known in the sports world for his quick wit, I guess. But apparently he recently wrote an unfortunate passage in a D Magazine article that drew the ire of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. I delete extraneous information in my quote:

" . . . if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy would get shot twice, and Harry and bin Laden would be strangled to death."

Apparently nobody laughed at this but me, even though I am a fan of Nancy Pelosi. Mr. Feherty has been a huge supporter of the troops, even visiting them on Thanksgiving in Iraq more than once. He has apologized for his comment. Did we lose our sense of humor in the 21st century? What is your thought?

3. Lobbyists, Lawyers and Detail Men - The lobby group seems to be taking a beating more than usual lately. Everyone thinks they are evil, and maybe they are a nose ahead of lawyers in the race to hell. However, I like to compare lobbyists to detail men. Detail men are the people that sell pharmaceuticals to doctors. They are the really attractive men and women that come into the doctor's office with plates of cookies and rolling bags full of drugs while you sit in the waiting room watching the clock. I am not a cheerleader for big pharmaceutical companies, but without these people, the doctor would have no idea what the new drugs do and how they can help (whether they are good or not). So, in some respects, they are a necessary evil. You don't want eye drops if you have hemmorhoids! Lobbyists have a similar utility. They are necessary because there is no way hundreds of legislators can possibly understand the purpose and consequences of thousands of bills. And with respect to lawyers, there is no way many of us would blaze our way through the judicial system without them. Questions, comments?

4. Last - The Easter Bunny - real or fake? I'm a devout believer, even though I did not get a big chocolate bunny this year. Maybe I doubted one too many times? How about you? Don't be an Easter Bunny hater.

Now, it's your turn. Can't wait to read your comments. Just click on the envelope at the end of the article and you can leave your comment anonymously. Let it all out!