Family Characters

Since it is the holidays, I wanted to talk about my favorite subject . . . my family!!  Most people who have seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" can garner some familiarity with some part of this movie.  Whether you are an only-child or one of many children, you probably have a crazy uncle, a cousin everyone gossips about, or a parent that has made a point of embarrassing you in front of others.  I'm not Greek, but I can totally relate.  Trade the Ouzo for red wine, and the lamb for sausage and you have the same big fat crazy family except Italians.

The Characters:

My brother Vinny (the oldest living alter boy . . . I mean "stunt boy")

My brother George (the only one who has a french name)

My brother Dean (as in Dean Martin.  My parents drank and smoked a lot in the 60's)

My father Vinny (Vincenzo if it was his mother calling)

My grandmother Antonietta (She's almost 100!)

My mother Claudette (the half Italian half French woman who named my brother George)

My cousin Joey Two Times (the oldest of all the Italian grandchildren)

This list is quite extensive, but these are the main characters.  Of course I can't forget my Uncle Joey, my Aunt Carol, and my favorite half French cousins Dougie, Eugene and Deborah.  A little French, a little 50's, a little crazy!!!   The French came through Canada, (sneaky bastards).  The Italians came through Ellis Island (where a lot of other mobsters came from to hide their identity . . . just kidding).

The holidays hold the best memories.  They include waking up in the morning and storming down a set of carpeted stairs in socks.  If one of us didn't fall on our faces, that was a start to a good morning.  Then finally landing at the bottom to look to the left back corner of the living room where every Christmas tree was placed from the 70's to the 90's and finding loads of presents.  To this day I'm baffled at how and where my parents:  1) could afford it; 2) could hide it; and 3) could get it all moved on Christmas Eve without us knowing.  How????  I'm telling you, it was the sneaky French working with the organized Italians.

Now, Christmas is quite toned down, except for Dean.  He is the only one with small children who appreciate the Christmas morning run to the tree.  Except they slide on wood floors and try not to crack their skulls open on the walls on their way to the presents.  The rest of us are much more mellow now.  We enjoy things like no children, or having drinks with the grown children.   Either way, it is all good times in new ways.

Happy Holidays.

:)

It's a Time to Give and A Time to Give Back

I'm not talking about Christmas gifts although, 'tis the season to give.  So for all of my  friends out there who plan on giving and receiving generously this year, I want to pass on some etiquette rules.   Let me first lay out some definitions.  A "gift" is the act of giving no matter what the item.  You are "giving" something, a gift of money to a charity or a toy to a child, with no expectation of return.  This is opposed to a marriage proposal.  A marriage proposal usually comes with an engagement ring, it is a "proposal" centered on conditions being fulfilled.  The first is permanent, the second is conditional. 

If you are considering a luxury item as a gift to your special partner (wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, dog . . .), like jewelry, a car, a new dog house, then this is permanent.  It is a gift, and if you break up or the dog runs away, don't expect the gift to be returned.  

If you intend to ask that special one to marry you, you might consider separating this from any gifts.  (I do hope the dog is not included on this one).   An engagement ring is not permanent.  It is a conditional gift.  That is, it is conditioned upon acceptance, and ultimate marriage.  If, for some strange reason, the conditions to the engagement are not met, i.e. no marriage takes place and you both break up, then the engagement ring should be returned.  (Ladies, did you hear that??)

A recent story in the news over this exact issue caught my attention.  Apparently there is a couple (or used to be a couple) in Connecticut who were engaged to each other.   The man provided a $25,000 engagement ring to the woman.  She accepted.  Something went amiss and they broke up.  Now, he is asking for his ring back and she is refusing to return it claiming it was a "gift."  Legal analysts claimed that he can now fight in court for the ring back.  Unless he has done something hanious to cause the break up, (and the fact that they do not reside in Montana or Kansas), he should have no problem having a judge order that the ring be returned. 

I'm sure at this very point in the article you are saying "that poor sap was taken by another greedy woman."  And, on many levels I would agree.  I have seen it too many times.   Why didn't I follow this path?  I could have, but call me stupid, I decided I didn't want to make any exceptions in my life so I could wear a $25,000 diamond ring.  And my dad showed up for my dance recitals.

Any way, the message here should be clear.  Three things need to be considered during this holiday season.

1.  A gift is a gift is a gift.  It is permanent.

2.  An engagement ring is part of a proposal set on conditions to be met.

3.  Think long term not fantasy.  

 

More silly Christmas ideas to come!

Pam, Brad and Obama??

What does Pamela Anderson, Brangelina and the Obama family have in common? Other than the horrors of living under the watchful eye of media so that everyday people can get a shameful taste of some fame, they have absolutely nothing in common.

Why did I pick these three? Instead of spending a quiet weekend meditating, I made the mistake of watching television. This is what I learned:

1. Pamela Anderson recently announced that she "quits!" As announced on some entertainment show that I was unfortunately watching by accident, Pam Anderson has declared that she is done acting. Thank God. I feel so much better now.

2. Brangelina are so highly photographed and pursued by the media that who doesn't know them or every little detail about their lives? Haven't you all had enough? I'm hoping that they too will announce that they are quiting as well. Their acting is not exactly what I would consider award winning. (One caveat is "Girl Interrupted", I do really like that movie).

3. Last, the Obama family is being forced to choose a puppy for the Whitehouse. Apparently Barak mentioned they may get a puppy, but maybe they changed their mind? Why will the media not drop it? The media has now created "The Obama Puppy Watch!"

I know if you reading this blog, you either 1) find this somewhat entertaining; or 2) have entertained yourself to a point that there is nothing else but my blog. Well, I have some new great entertainment for you that does not require reading cheesy tabloid magazines or television media.

Forget Pam Anderson, Brangelina and the Obama Family puppy. Now you can watch one of the number one streaming videos at www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam. It is a streaming video of 6 Shiba Inu puppies, and at any one time there is about 10,000 people watching. It's actually mesmorizing and soothing in some wierd way. It might even prove to lower your blood pressure!

Have a happy week and a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Is NASCAR a sport?

Is NASCAR really a sport?  This is a question that has baffled me since I was a young child.  To this day, I am amazed at the sheer attraction of NASCAR, and probably speak for millions like me when I ask "why is NASCAR called a "sport?"

NASCAR is actually an acronym for the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing.  Men and women drive "stock" cars with 800 horsepower at speeds of approximately 180 mph around a circle 500 times! Archery is also a sport, as is hunting, or so I'm told.  I tried to understand with a pro and con approach.

Pros: It takes guts and concentration to stay awake while driving at extremely high rates of speed in a circle 500 times!  Sounds easy except that the driver is mashed into the car through a window, has no airbag, and no cup holder for the coffee.   Additionally there is an exhausting amount of clutch pushing, (I'm not talking about a cute purse ladies), to change gears on a curve with some guy right on your ass!  

Cons: It's just driving! Of course, there is some strategery involved, like passing other cars. (Strategery is a made up word used by Will Ferrell when he does his imitation of President Bush!  I thought it appropriate here since I find the movie Talladaga Nights excruciatingly funny.)

After my short analysis, I delved deeper.   Alas, as soon as I saw the word "prohibition" I had a vision of a crazed man transporting moonshine somewhere in the deep south, which immediately reminded me of the Dukes of Hazzard.  It took years for me to realize the attraction was the car and not the girl.  All of my brothers and dad looked like deer caught in headlights when that show came on.   Back to the moonshine, which came from Appalachia, and was transported by "bootleggers".  To do this they created vehicles with handling and speed to outrun the law in mountainous regions.  Thus, one particular strip in Knoxville, Tennessee became a popular racing venue for bootleggers.  After prohibition, Wilkes County, North Carolina grew into a racing mecca.  Well that explains NASCAR's dominance in the deep south.  (God, I love Wikipedia!)  

But does being a bootlegger make an athlete or NASCAR a sport?  Dictionary.com has at least 10 definitions of the word "Sport".  Here are the top two:

1.  An athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature, as racing, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc.

2.  . . . especially in the out of doors

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, this could be anything, even chess!  To further confuse anyone who has been living in a cave to avoid auto racing (like me), NASCAR's "about us" page states that NASCAR is the number 1 "Spectator Sport."  Most of us think of athletes when we think of "sports", not bench warmers.  But picture Bubba sitting in a fishing boat with a bowl haircut and bad sunglasses.  He is actually hunting for fish on national television.  Does that make fishing a sport? 

From all this, I can hardly believe NASCAR is a sport and drivers are athletes.  EXCEPT, and you are really not going to believe this . . . . drum roll please . . . . 

Jimmie Johnson, a popular race car driver, was among many candidates listed for the 2007 US Sports Academy athlete of the year!  What???  You heard me.  A race car driver listed among athletes such as quarterbacks, pitchers, runners, swimmers and golfers, vying for Athlete of the year.  No he didn't win, but come on, really, Bret Favre won.  

This debate could go on endlessly.  In any event we will all be happy to know NASCAR's CEO, Brian France, concedes that NASCAR is all about the entertainment.  So is it a sport among other sports or is it just "sport" to entertain? 

The Coming of Zelda and Roy!

Since I could not compete with Saturday Night Live and my creativeness has been zapped by my writing class, I took a break for Halloween. Halloween was really fun this year! No it was not an all night drunk fest at a bar, but a reading of Edgar Allen Poe and a seemingly harmless party. With this, I introduce you to Zelda and Roy!

Join them on www.myspace.com/zeldaandroy for future stories. Enjoy the video . . .

AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!

Honing My Interview Skills

Check out my interviewing skills!

GRADE MY HOMEWORK! Does Hate = Ignorance?

For the last several weeks I have been a student in an online creative writing class. This was a very creative and wonderful birthday gift from Everett, and I have had a lot of fun BS'ing my way through. That was basically how I made it through undergrad and grad school.


Recently, one of our homework assignments was to list five things I hate. They could be as little as a hangnail or as large as a world leader. I was then supposed to pick my most eccentric choice to be sure no one else in the class would pick the same thing, and write a short piece presenting my "hate." I thought I would share my short story with you and let YOU GRADE IT! Here you go:


One of my mantras is "not to hate." But from time-to-time, irritants arise that conjure up feelings of despise. Despise is a strong word I know, but I think you would feel the same way if something has a negative affect on life in general. That is really what it is all about anyway, being happy and making the world a great place. So if you do not like something, avoid it? That is easier said than done.


Things that can make me crazy include Sunday drivers in the passing lane; parents who ignore their screaming children in public; drunk guys who urinate on my lawn; and people who abuse animals. These things do not have an affect on me solely, but on everyone. They create bad energy.


Although I try not to be a contributor to bad energy, and believing that hating something creates bad energy, I unfortunately absolutely hate it when people throw lit cigarette butts out of their car windows.It is as if the earth is their trashcan, and will automatically dispose of their fiery stub they no longer need.


I have seen the result of lit cigarette butts being thrown out of a car window, like car fires and hundreds of burned acres. Did these litterbugs ever stop to think of the consequences? There are animals, people, homes, crops and property all at risk all the time from natural disasters, while now also at risk from a human addiction.


Maybe my ignorance about addiction is what makes me hate the pitching of lit butts from a car equipped with an ashtray. It is usually ignorance that creates hate. Could it be the addiction or the excuse of addiction to nicotine I should hate? Either way, instead of hating, I use the opportunity to point out to those that do not want to litter their own environment on wheels, but the environment of all natural things, they are littering by snapping a picture. They hate that!

Is Fiduciary a Bad Word?

My definition of "Fiduciary" never reached beyond that of responsibility as a member of a board of directors of a small non-profit organization.  This included my duty to act in a respectable manner and refrain from asking for reimbursement on alcohol I drank while traveling for the association.  As an investor, I never considered that the board of directors of a fund management company would lose my money.  In fact, I always chucked the election by proxy forms I received from fund companies that held my humble savings.  Since the major financial fallout, I have been rethinking, like everyone, about who holds my money.

The Macbook Dictionary opens my eyes to a more succinct definition of fiduciary as much more than just a trustee, but someone who holds your money.  A fiduciary has a duty (called "fiduciary duty", and I am not talking about bio-poo), to invest or hold that money as directed and in the interest of the investor.   This is big, like Enron big.   

Great examples include recent, although, not the most recent of giants to fall, Lehman Brothers Holdings, Inc.  In fact, they are such a hot target, legal websites have already popped up to lure potential victims for a class action suit against Lehman.   Victims are people who trusted Lehman with their 401k and pension plans, and who can prove that Lehman violated its fiduciary duty.   Proving this will be a no brainer as Lehman's (fiduciary) CEO is already appearing in front of congress having explain what he did with every one's money.  Basically, the claim is that Lehman shucked its responsibility by putting Lehman's interests (big pay checks) ahead of their investors' interests (our life savings).  

The sad part is, as this modest blog moves forward, so does the next CEO brainiac with a new innovative way of investing for higher returns, higher commissions and faster growth, all with someone else's money, and unregulated.  We are definitely not experiencing the first breach of our wallets, and it will not be the last.  Maybe each family unit should build their own compound with their own governments, schools and banks.  Oh wait, I think the pilgrims already tried this.

Unfortunately, no one has come up with a new hair-brained resolution to solve the worlds problems.  And although the Lehman Brothers debacle seems small compared the giant roller coaster free fall the stock market just took us on, I truly believe that we will be okay.  Even better, while we are all starving because we cannot afford groceries, we will solve the latest plague recognized by the government as obesity!  

As a side note, sorry for the late blog.  Next week, I blog about Family Guy???  Check out my favorite blogs and click on Zen to find some peace for your life.

SLIPPERY SLOPE!

On September 8, 2008, something happened in Austin, Texas, making the local news. Between hurricanes and financial bailouts, there was a front-page newspaper story that went largely ignored by most. Now that the world has finished falling apart, temporarily, I can tell you about a Judge’s ruling that some might say smacks Roe v. Wade.

The Honorable Charlie Baird in Travis County got to do something that a lot of people would probably love to do in one form or another. He “ordered a woman to stop having children as a condition of her probation in her case of injury to a child by omission.” The woman is only 20 and admitted to failing to provide protection and medical care to her baby daughter, less than 2 years old, who was beaten by her father. The baby suffered broken bones among other injuries. The baby’s father was sentenced to 15 years in prison, and both parents relinquished their parental rights.

Although the mother was given 10 years probation, required to do 100 hours of community service, and undergo a mental health assessment, she was also ordered not to have any more children. She apparently did not object to the judge’s ruling at the time. Usually an appeal is based on an objection to a ruling. Without the objection, there are no grounds for appeal to a higher court.

Texas, judges are allowed to set conditions of probation. The defendant gave up her parental rights, and failed to object to the conditions of probation. Without having full facts, like knowing details of her relationship with the father, or knowing how she felt and cared for her baby, should this woman be restricted from procreation as a condition of her probation?

Although the constitution does not specifically say that we have a right to bare children whenever we want, there are apparently numerous court rulings that would suggest we have a constitutional right to procreate. But wouldn’t it be nice once in a while to disallow someone from having children if they are a convicted or known abuser of children? But is that really fair?
The newspaper article I read reports that there was one similar case out of Wisconsin. The facts are entirely different, but the ruling was the same. It related to a father of nine children who was convicted of intentionally failing to pay child support. He was ordered not to have children as a condition of his probation. The Supreme Court of Wisconsin upheld the decision. How many people do you know have either not received or not paid child support?

So here is your homework assignment. Answer these questions, and let me know what you think about this case.

1. Does any Judge have the right to order someone not to have children? If it depends on the circumstances, please explain.

2. Is the judicial branch of the government reaching too far in being allowed to make such a ruling? I.e. is the government’s control of the private lives of individuals too strict?

3. Last. Should such a ruling be reserved for severe cases involving injury and/or death to a child only? Please explain.

This topic conjures up numerous topics and angles. It is really hard to stick to the basic concept of “right to privacy.” As you debate the issue, as I did this evening before writing this, numerous different scenarios come up where a ruling like this could be damning to an unsuspecting and undeserving defendant. We will have to see where the Court of Appeals decides to take this case. Until next time, I look forward to the comments!

Info About Your Money

Things are crazy in our world right now, but when have they not been? If we were all to let go and quit reading the paper and watching the news tomorrow, do you think all the bad news would go away? If you refocus your energy on good things, your anxiety over money and the world economy would dissipate. The more we worry and fear, the more we bring to light reasons to worry and fear. It is much like growing old gracefully. We spend so much time resisting it through miracle creams, plastic surgery, and covering everything else we cannot change. Resistance only seems to make fear more prevalent. Fear feeds on fear, and that is exactly what the media is stirring up right now.

The key to life is to enjoy it. Like any relationship, one with a partner or a child, has its ups and downs. Do you withdraw your love from a child during the down times? Well, then why would you withdraw your money from a bank during down times? Where would you put it any way? Especially while CD’s are paying high interest rates right now and are FDIC insured. Not only that, if you were to withdraw your IRA, you would end up loosing more money in penalties and taxes. Do you want to keep bailing out producers of profligacy like politicians and Lehman Brothers Holdings?
What you do need to know is whether the FDIC is insuring your money. Here’s the skinny from www.fdic.gov.

FDIC-Insured
. Checking Accounts (including money market deposit accounts)
. Savings Accounts (including passbook accounts)
. Certificates of Deposit
.
Not FDIC-Insured
. Investments in mutual funds (stock, bond or money market mutual funds), whether purchased from a bank, brokerage or dealer
. Annuities (underwritten by insurance companies, but sold at some banks)
. Stocks, bonds, Treasury securities or other investment products, whether purchased through a bank or a broker/dealer

Surely we all face some risk depending on what type of holdings we have. Be smart and do some research. Here is what I have learned from Suzie Orman and other investment gurus this week; leave the mutual funds, stocks and other long-term investments alone. If you have new money to invest, put it in a CD for now, not in the stock market-duhh. Here is a link to an informative article about FDIC insurance. http://finance.yahoo.com/banking-budgeting/article/105756/FDIC-Insurance-Protects,-Except-When

If things are really rough for you and you may need to take drastic measures, although I hope no one ever has to do this, I wanted to impart some additional information. Of course, this is coming from Wikipedia, so I would strongly advise you to consult an attorney before doing anything!

Just in case you have thought about bankruptcy and are worried about loosing your IRA, pension or 401K, I believe that the United States Supreme Court has ruled in one or more cases that a persons IRA is exempt from his or her bankruptcy estate. This may not be the case in all chapters of the Bankruptcy Code, so if this is an option you are exploring, check with an attorney. The case mentioned on Wikipedia was from Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code, and most people file for bankruptcy under Chapters 7 or 13. Keep in mind that bankruptcy laws changed recently which afford more protection for creditors.

As far as protection from creditors many states have laws that prohibit judgments from lawsuits to be satisfied by seizure of IRA assets. I do not know what the laws in Texas protect your investments from Writs of Execution or failure to pay taxes. If there is any protection, those deposits into your IRA should have been made prior to any lawsuit or credit issues.

Last, I would advise you, no matter whether there was a crisis or not, to explore heavily each candidates plan, including those that are running as your U.S. Senator and Representatives. They will greatly affect your future including your ability to pay fewer taxes and afford health insurance. Here is a comparison of the candidates tax plans! http://www.taxfoundation.org/research/show/23165.html

Hold on Tight and God Speed!

Can Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin lead us?

"Generations to come, it may be, will scarce believe that such one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth." - Albert Einstein on Gandhi

The quote is a little heavy, but it is never a bad idea to remind ourselves of one purpose we have - to make the world a better place now and in the future.  I'm not sure we are doing that.  We have created classes and factions, strife and struggle with disagreements and greed.  We have created pollution, cellular changes, illness, and the diminishing of various species on our planet.   Don't get me wrong though, it is not all grim.  Many people have and do follow righteous paths such as Gandhi's.  Some philosophers believe that we are in a new dawning as people are becoming more aware of their own consciousness, thus making the world a better place by living in a higher state of mind and not contributing to factions or pollution.

However, I am still skeptical of our paths, especially when our world leaders are bickering over "lipstick."  The GOP has turned Barak Obama into a schoolyard bully.  McCain is now the guy who defends and rescues everyone in the schoolyard (America), one female VP at a time.  This is not what I would call "change."

So here we are, back to square one.  The country has created huge factions.  They include Republicans and Democrats, women and men, feminists and independents, pit bulls and hockey moms, and now the vain and the meek.  The very people we are considering to lead our country are fighting over "lipstick."

Funny enough, lipstick is exactly what will outlast this campaign and the next presidency without any question.  Lipstick is made up of 60% oil and wax, 25% pigment and alcohol and 1% fragrance.  Where is the rest?  Depending on the manufacturing process, the remaining percentage can be made up of antioxidants and preservatives to keep the lipstick from getting rancid.  (www.enotes.com/how-products-encyclopedia/lipstick).

So if we compare lipstick to our Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates, we can determine that there may not be enough antioxidants and/or preservatives among these four people to help us and our planet survive.  McCain is 72, need I say more.  Biden is a career politician and the most experienced, but no spring chicken.  Obama would be the first black president and probably the most controversial.  Last, Palin has absolutely no national or international experience.

Are we better off electing a tube of lipstick?   Comments welcome!

Who the H*?# Should You Vote For?

What better to blog about this week than McCain’s vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin. Is this McCain’s attempt to “change Washington” because everyone knows he has not had enough time in the Senate to do that . . . Maybe he has been too busy campaigning?? Isn’t this Obama’s platform? Well I’m glad we got that straight. Now that everyone wants to change Washington, we have to now decide which dynamic duo is best fit for the job. Like many of us, you probably have not had time to read all the over dramatized crap of the press or the candidates websites. So I bequeath to you a few facts from each of the candidates’ websites and/or news clippings that I felt were legitimate. (It was hard to refrain from Wikipedia, but I did!)

Obama / Biden (The Oreo Feel Good team):

Obama is a young U.S. Senator from Chicago who spent years in the Illinois legislature. His parents are racially mixed, one a student from Kenya and one from middle America, Kansas. Obama was ultimately raised by his mother in Hawaii after his father returned to Kenya. He was an average student until he got involved in politics in college. After college, he worked for Christian churches; and after law school, turned down lucrative offers to work for a small firm and teach Constitutional law. As part of the Illinois legislature, Obama was a strong advocate for women’s issues.

Biden is a senior Senator from Delaware (1972) and was a single parent to his two remaining sons after a car accident took his wife and daughter. And like many parents, Biden was willing to give up his first senate election for his family. He is remarried and had a fourth child with his new wife. He served on the Senate Foreign Affairs committee with Obama and is up for re-election, which makes him available.

McCain / Palin (The Do-it-my-way or no-way Team):
McCain is a senior US Senator who started out as a US Representative in 1982. He is a proud Navy veteran, a POW (probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – how could you not!), and has been observed as very angry by President Bush’s former Chief of Staff. Although John McCain has seven children, we never hear about his first wife. Much of his time in the Senate has been spent on reform including lowering taxes and less government.

Now, here here are a few things you should know about Sarah Palin that people are already getting incorrect:

In 1984 she was not Miss Alaska, she was the RUNNER UP;
She is only 44, but yet older than John F. Kennedy when he ran for President;
She was the mayor of Wasilla, AK, population 9,780 according to the US Census in 2007, and was elected as the Governor of Alaska in 2007.
She is currently involved in a legislative investigation over the firing of an Alaskan State Trooper involved in a divorce from Palin’s sister and Alaska’s Public Safety Commissioner who was pressured to fire the State Trooper.
She is a member of the NRA
She has 5 children, and some of her fellow countrymen do not think she is ready to lead.
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=a1uiw5Tqp4EM&refer=home

Politicos and poison ivy!

Well I’m not very insightful this week. I was however experiencing another first by watching the Democratic National Convention. What about you? Have you ever watched a political convention? It brought to mind all of the issues currently facing Americans. Politicos like to phrase it as “waging a war against ______” (you fill in the blank.) We have so many to choose from now. We have the war on terror, the war on drugs, and the latest greatest, the war on obesity. Are we winning any of these wars yet? Let’s face it, do we even care about the war on drugs? It’s a plant, get over it. What about obesity? I have that solution, get off your ass.

Which finally brings me to a point. (Like I said, I am not very insightful this week). I am waging my own personal war and it’s on poison ivy! As some of you know, I am apparently very allergic to poison ivy, and have been battling a horrible reaction to it for 6 weeks!! This has included steroids, acupuncture, herbal concoctions, gels, pastes, more steroids, more acupuncture, gels and paste, and finally a lot of complaining.

And apparently, I am not alone. Just today there was a story in the Dallas Morning News regarding the war on poison ivy. And, always newsworthy is my brother’s opinion, a horticulturist, that poison ivy has become bigger, badder and more pervasive then ever. Because of the risk of someone having a severe allergic reaction not only on the outside but also the inside, it cannot be burned at random. It’s also a weed, but one that has staying power, so spraying it is a short-term solution while putting unknown additives in our drinking water. And let’s not forget the potential cost to eradicate poison ivy. Surely there are more pressing issues, like schools offering tofu instead of refried beans to our overweight students.

So until a solid plan is formulated to win the war on poison ivy is invented, I have two ways to avoid it.

Never drink in an open public park with all of your friends where weeds are not well maintained.

Never, ever let your friends persuade you to urinate in the un-maintained weeds in an open public park when drunk, especially if you are a girl!

Carpe Diem!

Update on the Election

Several people have asked my opinion on the current election. But before I can go there, I must vent about our electoral system (invented by dudes wearing wigs by the way). I would wager that there are a lot of high school students whom, like many of their parents, do not understand the U.S. electoral system. I know I don’t. But most high school students of voting age, and more importantly, their parents, understand the voting system on American Idol.

I fit in the category of professionals with no children who one night turned on the television for mindless entertainment to forget about our responsibilities and got sucked into a show called American Idol like it was the Poltergeist. There was no shortage of crazy outfits and slurred speech from Paula; idiocy and fence sitting from Randy; and fantasy causing accented-filled insults from Simon. Connect the dots people – American Idol has reported 60 million viewers on a single episode. Not necessarily all of voting age, but someone had to pay for the television and the cable?

Despise AI? How about Hollywood? I do. News flash – On Aug. 10th at 1:30 am, Barack Obama ran a 30-minute infomercial on Ion Television. This is the first for a Presidential candidate. McCain’s campaign placed Barack Obama in equal celebrity status to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears by using their images in an ad. Barack looks pretty good on film. Lastly, Hollywood is about to turn our Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice into a movie star babe. The trend is definitely to reach out to the younger crowd. Why not, old people shouldn’t be driving to the polls any way!

Here’s how the election would work. Debates would be scheduled for several weeks. Certain days will be designated for certain issues. For example, Monday-Taxes; Tuesday-war and foreign affairs; Wednesday-Abortion; Thursday-more taxes; and Friday-more war issues. (Forget social security, it will not be around much longer any way). Each candidate will have a call in number, 1-800-Not-sure or 1-800-4-Whitey. At the end of each week, there will be an elimination show with a lot of knuckle bumping and berating. It will be grand!

In all seriousness though, there will be no uncertainty as to who will win the election. There will be no elected officials making the ultimate decision for all of the population on who actually wins despite the popular vote.

Summer Olympics ONLY day 2!

I digress from my political silliness to comment on the 2008 Summer Olympic games like only I can and because I can. First, before I get into my crazy comments about the Olympics, I should advise that I have been to Europe only once, and it was to Italy. While in Italy, I noticed a lot of shoes that were shiny silver. Not women’s shoes, but all shoes, especially high top tennis shoes for men. I’m talking about shiny silver high top tennis shoes in glass display cases all over Italy like they were pieces of a the Coliseum in Rome. I just walked around wondering who the hell would actually wear these shoes!! Well, after seeing the opening of the Olympics, I figured it out.

My top five observations of the 2008 Olympic Games on Day 2:

1. The Italian athletes all wear shiny silver tennis shoes. I knew someone had to buy those shoes!??

2. The American athletes all looked like Ralph Lauren robot clones. I had to bet my boyfriend that they were really the Americans.

3. Swimmers should not leave their goggles on their foreheads before starting a race. When they move their goggles from their forehead to their eyes, the goggles leave red circles above their eyebrows. Makes me want to take a Sharpie and color in some pupils and eyelashes so they have eyes above their eyes. This would really make people watch the swimming!

4. During the rowing, there is a group of cyclists that ride along the bank watching the rowing. I can’t wait for the cyclists to run into each other and wreck out during a rowing competition. That would really make the rowing more exiting!

5. Last, but not least, the Italians would have done great in the men’s quadruple rowing had it not been for all the gold jewelry weighing them down!

More to come. Hope you are enjoying the Olympics.

Renewables - "Biostuff"

When people discuss renewable energy, like using corn for fuel, we often include a joke about using animal waste as well.  You know, putting to use the bags of dog poop you scoop, or the pastures of cow patties you think are funny.  All joking aside, and with all the incredible technology, there is such a possibility.  I have named it . . . "Biopoo."

To figure out how to make this a reality, I conducted research on about "biomass."  This sounds promising, and to me, is just a nicer way of saying "biopoo."  According to Wikipedia where I did all my hard research, (and we all know how reliable that is), "biomass" is defined as living and recently dead biological material transformed into a fuel.  Can biopoo be categorized as "recently dead biological material?"  Biomass material can also be called biodegradable wastes (I think I am getting closer), which is generally converted to a solid, liquid or gas fuel, thus becoming "biofuel."

So bio-logically, bio-fuel can be produced from any bio-logic source.  Does this mean that bio-waste is bio-poo?  Can bio-poo be used to manufacture more plastic water bottles?  Surely if we can power a vehicle using plant-derived biomass, we can figure out how to use biopoo for anything!

Further, the production and use of biopoo with reduce the amount of CO2 from the atmosphere since it is not a fossil fuel.  Seriously, have you ever heard anyone complain about all the piles of cow pool releasing greenhouse gases into the air?  What about when your neighbor's son lit dog poo in a paper bag on fire on your door step?  Did it create a pollution problem?  

In this day and age of worrying about environmental issues like carbon footprints, holes in the ozone, diminishing oil reserves and Boone Pickens' checkbook, I think I am onto something.  Let's start living a "biolife" with all of our "biostuff."  If we are living a biolife, must we give up our amenities like setting our air conditioners on 65, drinking tons of bottled water, not sorting our trash for recycling?  We don't have time for these things!  Americans are too busy creating an oil crisis while driving our 8-cylinder SUVs to be politically correct and save the environment.  

Thus, the solution is Biopoo!  I hope the American government takes note of this great idea. Don't waste that pile of dog pool by setting it on fire and leaving it at the doorstep of Iran, but put it to good use in creating renewable energy for Americans.