JEJUNE ADVICE TO ALL: Thank You Notes From Hell!

Yes indeed, it's another installment of "Thank You Notes from Hell." Now mind you, I am not making these up, I am merely sharing them. They probably have a different effect on everyone, but for some reason, they make me giddy. So here we go:

1. Thank you to the person who brought the crappy gift to the White Elephant party, not realizing that maybe it was the only gift some of us were going to get this year. I can't wait to use my $5.99 Eggonator this weekend!

2. Thank you to the office drunk for livening up with Christmas party. Without you we would not have a broken copier, a mysterious pair of shoes and tie in the kitchen, smudge marks on the conference room table, and a myriad of rumors to spread for years to come.

Switching gears from the holidays and on to the new year:

3. The pharmaceutical companies want to thank God for all the beautiful blue skies, trees, grasses, wind, clouds, rain and snow. For without nature, there would be no pollen, mold, and any kind of floating spore that ultimately creates allergies. Without allergies, people would not be miserable and run down or able to easily catch a cold, a virus, the flu or strep throat or any combination of two or three of these illnesses. Without allergies, colds, viruses, flu or strep throat, the evil people at CVS who hate their jobs would not sell truck loads of Allegra, Advil, Sudafed, and Mucinex. So thank you so much!

3. The pharmaceutical companies also want to thank God for all the great sales they are having this winter season. Joining them in the Thank You's are all the marketing firms hired by the pharmaceutical companies.

And, we cannot leave without saying thank you to the hard working Republican candidates:

4. Thank you to Rick Perry for making us all feel better about ourselves.

5. Ron Paul sent a special thank you to all of the citizens of Iowa and to the Men's Warehouse for shipping a proper fitting suit to him in New Hampshire.

Last but not least, three special Thank You's from down below:

6. The devil wants to say thank you to Newt Gingrich for converting to Catholicism in 2009 after his adulterous affair with his now current wife while he was investigating Clinton's affair. The devil is thrilled to have a constituent in the Catholic church, and has been campaigning for Newt's nomination underground for years now. He started with yard signs, but they are too charred for anyone to read, so he has begun a grass-roots campaign going door-to-door and truly enjoys it.

7. The devil also wants to say thank you to Michele Bachmann for finally getting off the campaign trail for the Republican nomination. He had high hopes for her, but saw the flame fading.

8. And not to be one-sided, all of the military commanders want to thank President Obama for an unwanted early retirement due to the end of all wars. Now they can joint the ranks of the unemployed. Look at their faces.